How Can He Help Me Get Over His Cheating?
How Can He Help Me Get Over His Cheating?
I recently heard from a wife whose husband was insisting that he would do "anything" to help her to get over his cheating. He told her she would never know how sorry he was, and, if she just said the word, he would do whatever she asked him to do to help her to heal. The wife was torn. She felt so angry and shocked. But part of her had to acknowledge that her husband had stepped up the plate and was being accountable. Still, she just didn't know what to do at this point. She wanted to feel better. She wanted to save her marriage. But she didn't know where to start and she couldn't imagine what might make her feel better at this point.
She said in part: "He claims that he will do whatever I need him to do to help him heal. But, honestly, right now I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't know what I need to heal. I don't know what I want from him. I don't know what to tell him. What should I do?" There are a few considerations here, which I'll discuss more in the following article.
You Can Take Your Time. The Right Path For You Doesn't Always Present Itself Immediately: The wife admitted that she felt somewhat pressured. The husband was hanging on her every word right now. And emotions were running so high. She almost felt as though she should attempt to make things better as soon as possible. But usually, rushing yourself in this way (or allowing yourself to be rushed) isn't always the best call. Sometimes your true feelings and best insights come gradually, as you have some time to process this and determine how you really feel and what you really want. It's usually not in your best interest to allow yourself to be pressured into acting too quickly. There was nothing wrong with the wife telling her husband that she wasn't sure what she wanted or needed right now but that the she would share this information with her husband as it presented itself.
You Don't Have To Define What You Need Just Once And Then Stick To It Forever: It may not feel like it right now, but your feelings and wishes sometimes change as this process goes on. So, what you feel like you need today may change and evolve tomorrow. This is perfectly OK and you shouldn't feel apologetic about it. The key is to try to be honest as this is happening. It doesn't mean that you're giving your husband a moving target to try to meet. It just means that you are being honest and reactive as things change. Sometimes, it helps to make it clear that you're not trying to punish him, but that things can come up during this process and you're trying to be honest so that you move forward rather than remaining stuck.
What ManyWomen Need FromMen To Help Them To Heal: I firmly believe that every one in this situation is unique and has their own personal experiences and needs. But, with that said, I often hear similar things over and over again. Many wives will want to understand how and why the affair happened so they can make sure the same scenario doesn't play out again in the future. And, many will want more accountability from their husbands. They will want him to check in and to be completely open about his whereabouts. They want for him to remove any temptations because they never want to go through this again.
They will want to see a large amount of remorse and some changes in behavior. They will want for their husband to take responsibility for his own actions and to not attempt to place the blame with someone else. They will want to see him committed to them and to helping them move past this. Depending on the couple or the situation involved, this may or may not require counseling. Many wives like having someone to guide this process and some are more introverted and do better with resources that allow them to go at their own pace more anonymously. And some couples are ultimately able to go it alone because they are both committed and being honest with one another.
No matter which route you chose to take, you don't need to make any apologies if need some things as you try to move forward. You've been dealt a blow and you are doing the best that you can. Often, your husband can and should do some things to help you along. But often, you will need to give him some guidance to ensure that you get what you need and what you really want.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is relatively high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again.You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com