How Can I Possibly Compete With The Mistress Or The Other Woman?
How Can I Possibly Compete With The Mistress Or The Other Woman
?
I recently received an email from a wife who was trying to come up with a strategy to get her husband away from the woman that he was having an affair with. The wife told me that she was afraid that the "other woman" was younger, prettier, and had some hold over her husband. So, she didn't know, if, or how, she could compete with this. She felt frustrated and she wondered if the situation was hopeless. Ultimately, I asked her that if she could wave a magic wand and get exactly what she wanted, what would her wish be? She told me that she just wanted to save her marriage and wanted her husband to love and want her only.
I completely understand this, having been in a somewhat similar situation. But, I also believe from experience that you really can't and shouldn't compete with something that isn't real anyway. Doing so will not only steal your self esteem, it will often set you up to look less than desirable where it really matters. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Why Competing With "The Other Woman" Is Generally Not A Good Idea: If you accept that you must compete with someone else to fight for your marriage, you're almost condoning the fact that this other person is a valid consideration for your husband. Sure, he may be acting like a dope right now and he might think that what he's feeling is "real" and strong. But, do not stoop down to this level. You do not deserve this. And, if you approach it when he's in this mind set, you might just not come out on top anyway.
You're much better off waiting until he comes back to reality. He's not thinking and evaluating anything clearly right now, so attempting to reason with him isn't likely to work and it will only likely make you feel worse about yourself and your situation. I can tell you from experience when you are allowing yourself to be treated in this manner, it will affect how he feels about you as well as how you feel about yourself.
One of your jobs right now is to guard your own well being. Allowing yourself to compete with some other woman for your husband is not in your best interests, especially emotionally.
Having Faith That This Woman's True Colors Will Eventually Come Out: Here's what you have to realize. While this woman may seem so exciting and low maintenance in the beginning, she's very likely getting this result because of the way that she's portraying herself. But, she can't keep this up forever. No one wants to give something of themselves without getting something else in return.
Over time, she will have to play her hand and this is usually when your husband will see her in a whole new light. This is usually not a question of if, it's a question of when. The "newness" and excitement wears off and he's no longer seeing her through rose colored glasses. And when this happens, you want to look very positive by comparison.
This is not nearly as likely to happen when you've stooped to her level and made him think of you within the same thoughts as her. As difficult as it might be, sometimes you just have to conduct yourself with integrity and wait. This may be hard initially, but it will usually pay off in the end. Because she's the one who will end up looking silly, demanding, and foolish while you will look like the one who took the high road and didn't allow yourself the same unfortunate behavior as the two of them.
If You Must Make Changes, Make Sure You Are Doing This For Yourself, Not To Compete With Her: The truth is, one of the big steps to recovering from this (whether you save your marriage or not) is restoring your confidence and self esteem. So it's going to be understandable if you wonder if you should not make some improvements and changes. But, make sure that anything that you do is being done to make you happy, not to make someone else happy.
I did do some things to restore my self esteem in my own life. But, I limited these things to issues that had bothered me long before the affair happened. I fixed my teeth. I learned to dress to play to my strengths. And I worked on liking myself. At the end of the day, what you want is to emerge from this situation with confidence which you are going to need in the days to come no matter how this turns out.
But, you don't have to and shouldn't be competing with anyone. Your goal should be making yourself happy. When your husband comes around, you can decide then how you want to proceed. But setting yourself up to compete with something that isn't even reality is probably not in your best interest and isn't likely to help with your goal of restoring your confidence and ultimately being happy.
I know that even contemplating your husband's other woman is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don't give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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