How Do High School Reunions Suck: Let Me Count The Ways

High school reunions suck the fat one

High school reunions suck the fat one. Only a person who has never had to endure one would try to dispute this fact. I'm reminded of people who prattle on about how wonderful war is, but have never risked their neck in one.

I hate to admit it, but high school reunions do have their uses. I can't and won't use the word necessary, because to me necessary means food, water, a roof over your head, a pecker that works. I have to confess that it is a hoot to see all your old classmates and know how life turned out for them.

I despised the idea of attending my high school reunion, and I had several eminently reasonable justifications for this view. I am balding. I never thought I'd be that guy, but fate's a mofo. I'm also not a huge success, and not being a huge success kind of blows. I'm no failure mind you, but I'm also kind of neurotic. If I'd like created my own country or piloted the first manned mission to Mars or created a disease deadlier than AIDs, I'd still wouldn't feel successful enough to attend my reunion.

Also, who wants to meet the first few girls you banged, when you're about as experienced as the Chinese Navy.

And man I hate kids. Detest the little bastards. European kids I can handle, they are disciplined. American kids are spoiled f-ing brats. I almost need a pellet gun when I go out to eat these days to shut up all the rude brats I see. As I write this at the library, two kids are talking so loud they might as well be at a hockey game. Did not one explain the etiquette of a library to them? Were these ingrates simply released into the wild without any rearing whatsoever? Anyway, a third of a high school reunion is everyone talking about how great their kids are. Less than 1% do something great. Yet every parent tells you their kid is something special. I smell a dichotomy.

Also, what type of person organizes a high school reunion? The kind of drip that thinks that reunions are the cat's ass. A real tool, to put it another way. Someone who would organize a cool reunion never plans one; being cool, they already have better things to do. This is a major reason why most reunions are so completely, totally, ridiculously corny. I would die of shock, if for just once in the history of our species, someone cool would clear their calendar and plan a reunion. They would certainly be smart enough not to make the following common blunders:

Classic music. A couple songs that were the rage in school is acceptable, but in general avoid the urge to play retro music. Avoid retro decorations too. Avoid yearbook pictures on nametags. Avoiding nametags would be even more ideal. High school reunions which work out well also have one paramount ingredient: plenty of cheap alcohol.

by: terrecescott

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