How Many Lies are Too Many? 4 Ways to Know if it's Time to End Your Relationship

By Susie and Otto Collins

By Susie and Otto Collins

Zoe just caught her husband in yet another lie. For as long as she's known him, she has been aware that he sometimes stretches the truth or neglects to tell her the whole story. In fact, these "little" lies made him seem more attractive and mysterious...at first.

About a month ago, Zoe found out about affairs that her husband had with two different women over the past couple of years. At that time, he was still having an affair with one of the women and, when she confronted him about it, he promised he'd stop the cheating.

But, Zoe recently discovered that-- yet again-- her husband has been lying to her.

He was unaware that Zoe was home and he left his e-mail account open on his laptop. When he was in the bathroom, she took a look at the open e-mail message on his screen and discovered that he has not ended the affair.

He was actually making plans to meet the woman that evening.

After making this disturbing discovery, Zoe quietly left the house and went for a drive to clear her head and decide what to do next. "How many lies are too many?" she is asking herself.

When your partner lies to you, it can seriously weaken trust in your love relationship or marriage. Infidelity alongside this lie adds even more damage.

If you've forgiven your partner after lying, and possibly cheating, and you find out that he or she has lied to you yet again, you may be wondering if you are making a mistake staying in this relationship.

What probably keeps you in your relationship is something like this...

You might feel sad and upset about even the thought of losing this person whom you still love.

You may be worried about how you'll manage on your own-- as a single parent, financially supporting yourself, etc.

You may be concerned about the effect you leaving the relationship will have on others, like your children, for example.

You might be hoping that you and your partner can rebuild your relationship and that he or she will truly change.

There are so many reasons why you might be hesitant to even consider ending your relationship. Each of these reasons is probably valid.

However, when your partner has lied to you, broken trust and other agreements and continues to lie, don't you owe it to yourself (and, if you have them, to your children) to consider ALL of your options?

We can't tell you whether you should say in or leave your relationship. This is a serious decision that only you can make.

Here are 4 questions to consider if you are trying to decide whether or not to stay in your relationship...

#1: Does your partner acknowledge and express regret for his or her lies?

One thing to think about is what your mate said when faced with the fact that you know the truth-- that he or she has been lying, and possibly cheating too.

An expression of genuine regret and acknowledgment of the pain that the lies have caused for you is something to take into consideration.

For the moment, just think back to what your partner has said. You may or may not believe the words, but try to remember what they were. As you recollect conversations you've had about your partner's lying, think about his or her reaction and how you felt about it.

#2: Has your partner said that he or she intends to make amends for the break in trust and to stop lying (and cheating)?

Again, think about the words your partner said to you regarding the lying and any promises that he or she made.

Did your mate offer to make amends or prove that he or she is trustable in any specific ways? If so, what were they?

Did your partner say "I'm sorry?" If so, did it feel heartfelt?

What was your mate's response to any requests for transparency (or other agreements) that you made?

It can be very helpful for you to recall the promises that were made and the words that were spoken. Sometimes, over time and with emotionally charged issues, confusion can develop. Try to be as accurate as you can about this.

#3: Does your partner tend to keep or fail to follow through with agreements you've made-- including an agreement to be open, faithful and honest?

Now that you have done your best to remember what was said by your partner when you confronted him or her about the lies, it's time to look at what he or she actually did-- and is doing.

Do you know with a reasonable certainty that your partner has actually broken off the affair?

Has your mate followed through with promises that were made regarding such things as new agreements, transparency or meeting with a counselor or coach?

Make note of the observable changes in your partner's behavior and habits. Have any changes been mostly positive or mostly negative? Have you felt closer to him or her or even more distant?

#4: Can you foresee a way that you can ever trust him or her again?

When making a decision like this, it is really important for you to check in with yourself. Get an honest look at what you truly want.

This may be difficult for you to know at this time, but, what would need to happen in order for you to trust your partner again?

Have you seen any encouraging signs that are helping you to trust him or her even a little bit more now?

What kind of a relationship do you really want for yourself? Do you envision yourself able to have that kind of relationship with your current partner?

These questions are meant to help you come to better clarity about what you will do next.

How Many Lies are Too Many? 4 Ways to Know if it's Time to End Your Relationship

By: Susie and Otto Collins

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