How To Make Anyone Hate Art
If you want to make someone hate art, either your children
, your students, or whoever for whatever reason, here are the ways to surely make this happen. First, be way too serious.
Be ever vigilant, lest a stray element of fun find its way into what is a Very Serious Topic. Bonus points are awarded if informative, albeit pedantic, bons mots are delivered in a snore-inducing monotone.
Additionally, be sure to chastise others - be they students, social acquaintances, or the cashier at the convenience store - who have shown even the slightest tendency toward injecting enthusiasm into this Very Serious Topic. There is no room for fun in art.
Next, use lots of foreign phrases without any translation. "Foreign" phrases are relative, so let's clarify.
Pepper native English speakers with French, Italian, and Germanic phrases from art history. Reverse this process by inserting mystifying English vernacular for those who do not speak English.
Deliver these phrases with an authentic-sounding accent, but do not explain them. Under no circumstances should a phrase from outside Western art be employed, let alone explained.
Discourage questioning with a steely, authoritative gaze. If your students don't hate you now, it's time to try harder.
Next, portray artists as a unique mammalian species. Offer no anecdotal tales of an artist's life that might shed light on why he or she created that which s/he created. Impressionable children should realize, and as early as possible, that artists are different from the rest of the human population.
Artists never have rent payments, love interests, or temper tantrums. Nor do they eat, sleep, procreate, or relieve themselves.
Simply say, "So-and-so did what s/he did and you must accept the fact that this is important." Then move on.
Dismiss the observations of rank amateurs. Anyone who hasn't spent years obtaining post-secondary degrees in art history has nothing valid to say about the subject.
A 40-year-old newcomer is just as hopelessly lost as a 4-year-old. Make it absolutely clear to each that comprehension is beyond their simplistic grasp.
Leave no doubt that your own observations are the only valid ones. Back this up with dozens of supportive citations from Serious Professionals, if you must, but do not entertain other points of view.
Always present art history as lifeless. Art is always created in a vacuum.
There never were, or are, personal, social, political or religious circumstances that exert(ed) any influence over which pieces got created when and by whom. Explaining this clearly will prevent the befuddled listener from relating an artist's experience to his or her own.
We all know that children, in particular (emotionally mature creatures that they are), are adept at thinking "outside the box" of their own respective universes. Force them to learn there.
Assume those who hear your words cannot keep up with you. Most people, and especially young people, aren't as smart as you are.
Do not make the mistake of crediting others with intelligence or the ability to make leaps in cognitive thought. Belabor all utterances - particularly when opining - to the extent that listeners begin to exhibit the behavior of trapped, fur-bearing animals about to gnaw off limbs in order to facilitate escape.
Added bonus: the near-spastic desperation you engender will cause you to resemble a Super Genius by comparison. Deny the existence of artistic license.
Artistic creation is not nearly as important as your analysis of it. If the piece in question is dreadful, do not allow anyone else to see merit in it.
Should they persist, tell them why they are wrong and why the artist was wrong to have created such an eyesore. Conversely, present some artists as demigods and never permit the uninitiated to view their works with anything less than adoration.
Viewer and artist alike should not be permitted to drag imagination into this Very Serious Topic. Always demand more proof.
Strive mightily to be the bearer of The Last Word on any work of art ever created. Never lend credence to the theory that art is a subjective experience.
If others are bold enough to thrust differing views at you, tell them their own eyes cannot be believed. Occasionally, the more mulish will continue to argue that they can so believe their own eyes.
At this point, do not back down. Demand that they defy all logic and present you with factual proof for their subjective opinions.
This is the surest way to destroy any previous appreciation of art in those around you. Or, if you are a teacher who wants to help your students to love it, avoid all of these things at all cost!
by: Tom Selwick
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