How To Really Handle Conflict In Your Intimate Relationship

How To Really Handle Conflict In Your Intimate Relationship

Someone has said the five most frightening words for men are, "Let's talk about our relationship." Often people make a blanket statement that a couple facing challenges to their relationship just need more communication. However, this is a clich and ambiguous response. Communicate how and about what? So let's take a moment and find out how to really address problems with some specific steps.

First, there are two kinds of marital conflict, solvable and perpetual. Solvable problems are handled when the issue comes up. Perpetual problems are the same disagreements a couple has had for years and years. In fact studies have show that an incredible 69% of couples were having the exact same argument about the exact same issue four years after their initial counseling visit.

Some of the perpetual conflicts resolved around the best way to discipline the kids, conflicted feelings about the role of sexual intimacy and differences in home dcor. Here is the important point; these issues do not have to be resolved as long as fondness and admiration for one another still exists. Ladies, your man may never pick up his socks. Men, your wife may never appreciate that you want to hang a deer head in the living room.

What is the solution? As Dr. John Gottman shares, "It's just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are." When two people can accept their differences and respect the other person's opinion and realize that both have their own subjective reality, these issues will no longer hold an emotional charge.

The next thing to do is solve the solvable problems. Consider first how you address your spouse. Imagine a friend of yours is visiting and spills wine on the carpet. Would you say to them, "You just ruined my best table cloth, I can't depend on you to do anything right, can I? I will never invite you to my home again." Of course not, but how many couples use this type of language with one another?

Gottman offers a simple exercise, "Soften your start up." A whopping 85% of the time it is the wife who brings up the issue. It is essential that the conversation be kept free of criticism and defensiveness. For instance, remember to "complain but don't blame." There is a vast difference between describing what you feel and in passing judgment on someone else and believing you know their motives.

What are the main causes of conflict? The top six include work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, and a new baby. Establishing proper boundaries and discussing these issues only at the right time and place will go a long way to bringing about resolution to the solvable issues. For instance, most of us are able to handle certain levels of conflict, but no one likes to be caught by surprise.

So before you engage in a much needed conversation, be sure it is the best time, soften your start up, decide if it is a solvable issue and make sure your spouse knows you admire and accept them for who they are.

POST COMMENT

Relationships Are Built One Day At A Time Discover The Heart Of The Dilemma To Save The Relationship What To Think About Before Getting Into A Relationship? Organic Gifts An Ideal Way To Strengthening Relations How To Get Your Ex Wife Back Even If She Is In A Rebound Relationship three Relationship Deal Breakers Tips In Solving Relationship Problems Tips To Improve Your Long Distance Relationship Understand the Purpose of a Relationship Weekend Getaways Will Improve Your Relationship What Is a Relationship Psychic? Who's on First? Couple Counseling and Relationship Priorities Is Sex A Necessary Part Of A Successful Relationship?