How to Forgive After Your Spouse Cheated
How to Forgive After Your Spouse Cheated
How to Forgive After Your Spouse Cheated
I have a blog in which I discuss my struggles to heal after my husbands affair. Sometimes I'm contact by readers with request for advice. Probably one of the biggest questions or biggest concerns that I get is "how to forgive after an affair." Typically what happens is that the spouse who cheated is saying and doing all of the right things, and both parties want to move on and save the marriage, but the spouse who was cheated on is just having an incredibly hard time forgiving. I have learned that several things are necessary in order to really be able to forgive after an affair. I will discuss them in detail in this article, but first, I want to explain why forgiveness is so important.
Why Eventually Forgiving Your Spouse's Cheating Is So Important To Your Marriage: There's no denying that an affair is a devastating blow to a marriage and to both parties in it. Trust, vulnerability, openness, honestly, and self esteem can all take a near fatal blow. Dealing with these things and feeling this way is typically a path a spouse only ones to take once. Having to deal with it twice is just too much to ask. In order for you to be able to forgive, you must know, without a doubt, that the affair will never happen again. Your spouse should do everything in his power to understand where he went wrong and to place safeguards in place to prevent a recurrence.
And, you must understand that forgiveness is more for you than for you spouse. It is truly a gift that you give yourself. It's not saying that you are letting them off the hook or are forgetting what they did. Instead, you're releasing all of these poisonous feelings and the choking sensation of hanging on too tightly so that these things aren't dragging you down anymore. You're letting go of the negative feelings that likely were and would continue to eat you alive.
What You Need To Be Able To Forgive The Cheating:
Trust Must Be Restored: As stated before, you have to be sure that the cheating won't reoccur. The cheating spouse must take full responsibility and make themselves available and accountable. They need to understand that you will have concerns as to where they are and who they are with. They should make this information available to reassure you. They should offer additional reassurance, attention, and support as you begin to heal.
And, it goes without saying that the cheating spouse must completely cut off all contact with the "other woman." This may require a move, a job change, or some harsh words, but it is absolutely necessary. You can't really forgive an affair if you know your spouse didn't do everything in their power to protect you from the painful reminders of it.
Define What You Really Want, Act In A Way That Ensures You Get It, And Work On Your Self Esteem: I find that many times, women (and some men) really do want to save their marriages, but they just can't get their actions to go along with their words.
They hang back, waiting for the other spouse to make the first move. But, the cheating spouse is extremely scared of rejection and punishment so they hang back too. The spouse who was cheated on takes this as a rejection and their self esteem takes a hit. Now, no one is getting their needs met. Both people are thinking that the other doesn't care enough or doesn't want to reconcile in a real way.
It's important that you are just honest with your spouse, without worrying about rejection and a hard conversation.(These conversations are often healthy anyway.) If you want affection and more reassurance from your husband, tell him and define for him exactly what it will take to achieve this. If you want to shower your wife with whatever she needs to help her heal, tell her and ask her exactly how you should go about doing this so that she is always supported and comfortable.
Finally, even if your spouse is doing everything right, self esteem issues can rear their ugly heads. You worry that you weren't pretty enough, young enough, or sexy enough to keep your spouse. This is very likely not at all true. But, you can help yourself transition this by working on your self as appropriate. Many you'd like to work on your appearance, your health, or your career. I dove into all of these losing weight, fixing my teeth, highlighting my hair, educating myself on intimacy, and going back to school. My self esteem is actually higher now than it was before the affair. I am much more confident and an equal partner in my marriage.
Create A Better Reality That Doesn't Compare With The One Before: It's so much easier to forgive an affair when you're now looking at a better husband, a better marriage, a better bond, and a better reality than you had before. Affairs can actually improve marriages, communication, intimacy, and appreciation. It happens every day.
The key is to take this as a wake up call and to do the work necessary to create a better, new reality in which things are better than ever so that you are looking forward and not back. If both you and your spouse's needs are being met, if everyone is happy and fulfilled, then there's really no reason to live in the past and not be willing to just let the past go. Forgiveness will free your future marriage from the negative undertones of the past.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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