How to Hold On to Your "No"
How to Hold On to Your "No"
How to Hold On to Your "No"
One thing is to be able to say no in an assertive and non aggressive way. However, even though you have learned that, you can expect contradictions. Of course, it would be better if other respected your "no", and you are in your right to say no to anything you don't want to do. But, most of the time, people will try to change your "no" into a "yes" by using very specific methods. Happily, there are different ways to overcome them.
Let's assume you have planned a beautiful afternoon. You want to relax, listen to some music while drinking a tea and browsing through magazines. You have been working like a maniac for months, and you managed to steal this afternoon to really take a well earned rest. It is this moment your neighbour chooses to ring at your door and to ask you, if you could take care of her two children while she is out for a couple of hours.
You can't do it, you have other plans and very politely, but very firmly, you answer: "No, sorry, I can't do this today".
Now, the best thing to do for your neighbour is to politely say: "Oh, what a pity. Yes, I know. I should have planned it better. I'll try to find another solution. Thank you, though", and to move on. Another possibility is, that your neighbour will use different methods to make you change your mind. The first step is saying something like:
- You know, they are quiet and polite. They have their comics and pencils and papers. They won't bother you at all. They won't be any problem.
This is what we call "irrelevant argumentation". It might make you feel guilty, but it shouldn't. You haven't said a word about the children being noisy, impolite or of any kind of bother. You just answered that you could not take care of them a couple of hours today.
In this case, use the I-hear-and-I-parrot-method. That means that you first acknowledge that you heard what the neighbour told you, and you repeat the assertive phrase. That will give something like:
- Yes, I know they are quiet and polite, but I can't take care of them for a couple of hours today.
Nothing more than that. Don't just say half of it. If you only say the first half, it will be an opening and you can say cheerio to your afternoon. If you only say the second half, it will be understood aggressively.
Second method which is very often used is the authoritative method. It is rarely used from woman to woman except in mother/daughter cases. In this case, the neighbour will try to speak about all the time she helped for nothing and try to use authority.
In this situation, just like the first case, use the I-hear-and-I-parrot method:
- Yes, I know you have helped me before, and I am very glad to help when I can, but I can't do that today.
Last but not least comes the ultimate weapon against women: The Compassion Trap. The neighbour then will ask for pity and compassion: "Yes, of course, you have always helped me too. I am so sorry I have insisted. But this meeting is really important to me and the last month of work can be reduced to ashes if you don't help."
When in my courses, when women had to train this situation in the classroom with each other, this was a killer. It takes a lot of training to be able to use the I-hear-and-I-parrot method. In this case:
- Yes, I understand, I am truly sorry. It is not because I don't want to, but I can't do that today.
These are the most used contradictions and their possible responses.
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