I Hate You, Lets Hug
Wendy and Al argued a lot
Wendy and Al argued a lot. They were married with 3 young children and committed to each other, but rarely a day went by without one of them feeling the other was starting a fight. And, of course, they never agreed as to who started the argument. The sad part, I thought as I listened over the first few weeks of seeing them in my office, was they never fought about anything serious; it was just repetitive arguing.
Several times during each session, Al said something like this: Id walk in after a long day at work and, its like she hits me with a frying pan. Or, Id just be sitting in the living room; I never know when the criticism is going to come.
Wendy repeated something like this: Hes never here; he always works late. Then he comes home and says hes tired and just wants to be left alone to unwind. He never asks anything about my day, how hard it is for me working part time and taking care of the kids and house.
It was clear their anger and hurt resulted from each of them feeling unloved and unappreciated by the other. To understand where this came from (since they did love and appreciate the other); we looked at their family history. Neither had loving nurturing parents, so they had little to draw on from their life experience to give to each other when times were tough. But this insight was not useful in changing their behaviors.
Neither was going back over some of their arguments to see if they could hear from each others perspective. Nor, was saying Ouch when one felt attacked by the other.
They were garnering insight -- they each had so little to give yet needed so much from each other. However, you have to have something inside before you can give out. So, the only thing they could do was keep pounding on each other hoping to get understood and appreciated.
They wondered why the other didnt leave, but neither of them wanted to. Nothing was working, yet they wanted to continue therapy.
Out of frustration I suggested: Next time you two get into it, regardless who starts it, one of you says, I love you, and then go hug the other.
Al looked shocked. Why would I say I love you when Im reeling from her criticizing me he said, as he held his head from the imagined blow of the metaphorical frying pan?
Before I could respond, Wendy spouted, No way would I want to hug him when I am so furious. This sounds like that ouch thing, that never worked, she recalled.
I take a calm slowing breath. I know you two want to stay together; I know you both are hurting so much, and feel the other is doing the hurting. Weve tried a lot of different things, and one thing is clear; trying to fix the problem is not working. So, as a last resort, Im suggesting you dont even bother to respond to the other. If you are angry, just say, I love you, and go hug the other. I dont care of you grit your teeth and have to drag the words out. Something has to get you two to stop the hurt. Remember, you dont have to mean it; you just have to do it.
I expected more reasons why it wouldnt work, but to my surprise, they were both smiling shyly at each other.
It sounds silly, she said, but it might really work. Itll be hard.
It will be really hard, he agreed (one of the few times they had agreed in my office). We can try it, but Im skeptical she can do it, he accused. She glared at him, Oh, but you think youll be able to?
I stopped them from talking anymore and reminded them that it didnt matter who caused the upset, and it didnt matter who stopped it with the one sentence and hug. It just needed to be stopped.
They came into the next session smiling. The tension between them was palpably eased. She spoke up immediately.
We had maybe 4 or 5 times when we hugged and said I love you. Two were easy, but 2 times it was very hard for me to stop and hug him.
They both laugh, in remembering that.
I realized what I was doing, and walked over to him. I said, I still think Im right, and Im still angry at you, but I love you, and I gave him a hug. And, you want to hear the most amazing thing. I was still huffy afterwards for an hour maybe, after that, I felt fine. We had plans for the evening; we went and actually had a good time.
He grins affectionately while she is talking. This is something I have rarely seen.
They said they were eager to try this again. And, they have for a lot of weeks and months. They have enjoyed doing this. It hasnt stopped the arguments from starting, but it has stopped them. It hasnt helped them understand each other better, but it has kept them from hating each other.
P.S. Wendy said she has accepted Al as he is, Im not happy with it, but Im not fighting it now. Al said Wendy criticizes him, but he doesnt react like he used to. Theyve accepted what they cannot get from the other, leaving them to enjoy what they can get.
by: Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
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