Is It Wrong To Want Him Back When He Cheated?
I often hear from wives who tell me that they considered themselves strong women
with strong self esteem until they found themselves struggling with the aftermath of their husband's affair. Then, the way that they viewed themselves changed. Because sometimes, they find that, much to their surprise and frustration, they want their husbands (and their marriages) back desperately.
I often hear comments like "I'm furious with my husband for cheating on me and having an affair. I have always thought that if he was unfaithful, I'd be out the door immediately. And yet, here I am wanting him back and trying to come up with a way to save our marriage. What is wrong with me? Is my self esteem so low and my backbone so nonexistent that I'm willing to put up with this?"
These women(who in my opinion are still quite strong)are in the process of beating themselves up and questioning their own integrity. It's frustrating because there is nothing lacking with or wrong with them. It's completely natural to not be able to turn your feelings off and of. You have a lot invested in this person and this marriage and just turning your back on it would be a lot to ask. For some people, this just isn't possible.
And there's a difference between wanting him back blindly and wanting him back but also wanting to rehabilitate him and the marriage so that this does not happen to you again. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Wanting Him Back Is Natural. Getting Him Back In The Right Way Is Optimal: I hear from many women who are trying very hard to get their husbands back or away from the other woman or the mistress. And, they are considering all sorts of underhanded strategies and plans. This is understandable, but always try to make sure that you aren't doing anything that is beneath you.
At the end of the day, you want to be able to hold your head high and know that you acted with dignity and grace. Because when the dust settles, you want for everyone involved to know that you were the one who was least at fault. Now, admittedly, this other person has wronged you. And it's natural to want to lash out and take back what's yours.
But, here's the thing. Often you can have him back without having to resort to things that are beneath you. Often, if you place yourself in the best position and show yourself to be the person acting in the marriage's best interest, you will come out smelling like a rose when her true colors (and the true fleeting nature of their relationship) becomes obvious.
You have a lot of things on your side, although it may not feel like it right now. You have history and commitment. And you have the simple fact that most affairs are born out of a personal or identity crisis within a husband who will soon learn that the affair not only is not going to fix his problems but is going to create new ones.
Once he does learn this and comes up for air, you want to be in the best position that you can possibly be in. And, this may not happen if you resort to dramatic behavior that you might later regret. Always ask yourself if,in a week or month for now, you're going to look back on this action to find that it helps you or hurts you.
Getting Him Back (And Making Him Stay) Often Lies WithCombining Positive Action With Rehabilitation:Getting him backtruly is only the beginning. The real test is often not only keeping him but keeping him faithful while you are fulfilled and without resentment and doubt. The whole key is rebuilding a marriage or relationship in which you are both happy, confident, and want to remain faithful.
Sometimes when he comes back, your inclination will be to get right to "work" on your problems while "fixing" him. You will need to address these things, but it's so important that you're not constantly focusing on the negative. Because if you do, this will affect both of your perceptions and you'll feel like all you have to look forward to is exploring what is painful and what is wrong.
You always want to give yourself something to look forward to and something to anticipate. The trick is often to combine the rehabilitation which can be difficult with the building of something new and better which can be fun and exciting. Both are necessary in order for both people to feel hopeful and enthusiastic.
I did get my husband back after his affair. And, we both had some work and rehabilitation to do. These things helped a lot. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/ Is It Wrong To Want Him Back When He Cheated?
By: Katie Lersch
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