Let's Talk About Time-Out
Let's talk about Time-Out
Let's talk about Time-Out
Time-out will NOT work if it is used to avoid an issue for the parent. Say what? What could be an issue for the parent? Well one of the most common issues is the discomfort and sometimes, painful reaction parents have to strong, vocal feelings that appear to be out of control by their child. But are they really out of control? A child of 8 months is capable of acting out strong feelings. This is healthy and normal in the development of feelings. If a parent is triggered into emotional stress by the child's demonstrating raw feelings, then there is definitely a potential for disaster.
Time-out when used before your child is a year old is usually a strategy more for the parent to regain control of his/her feelings. Your child at this age cannot intellectualize enough to assess if the feelings are out of control. Time-out after your child is a year old begins the process of teaching the child about natural consequences. The inappropriate behaviour results in being isolated from the social situation where the inappropriate behaviour was acted out. Time-out always has a social connection once your child is old enough to understand that there are behaviours that are not socially acceptable.
This type of time-out usually is not needed after your child reaches 3-5 years of age because the intellectual development has now caught up to the emotional development. At this time the child will need to "fix" the result of the inappropriate behaviour rather than be isolated socially in a time-out. After this age your child may ask or take a time-out that is not imposed by the parent but rather choose this strategy to regroup and absorb the event that has created strong feelings.
Time-out is a safety strategy for both parent and child. It is extremely ineffective and sometimes down right punitive if used inappropriately. How can a parent use time-out inappropriately? The parent who puts his/her child in time-out has not thought it through and is not responding to the inappropriate behaviour but rather reacting with strong feelings of his/her own.
So let's say that time-out has been used ineffectively and unskilfully until the child has reached 2 years of age. This child can be almost traumatized by the emotional storm that occurs when strong feelings are not received calmly and with acceptance by the parent. The parent will need to understand that the learned inappropriate behaviour is now more of an inability for your child to deal with strong feelings and possible confusion about the messages s/he has been given. You as the parent will need to soothe the child rather than react to the strong feelings because your child who is not taught to work through strong feelings in a socially acceptable fashion has learned instead to act out the strong feelings ineffectively.
Okay let's do an example. Troy is 26 months. He is visiting family and gets himself into a place where he is acting out strong feelings. It could be because he wanted a toy, he didn't want a toy, whatever. The key is the acting out the strong feelings. The parent needs to immediately address the situation and physically hold the child in a soothing manner then take the child to a time-out with him/her. The parent needs to stay and soothe the child until the child feels emotionally safe again to come back out and try it again in the social arena. By 2 years of age your child can be reasoned with in a very simple manner. The whys are not appropriate at this time but rather the natural consequences of what results immediately from the inappropriate behaviour, which may be other peoples feelings or property may be at risk. At this age the key is to keep it simple.
It's important to understand what is actually happening here. First when the child starts to act out strong feelings inappropriately, the parent needs to intervene as quickly as possible to avoid a melt-down. If a melt-down happens, no problem, the strategy doesn't change but just may take longer for the child to find some peace. The child who has triggered strong feelings has not been taught to self-soothe or to build confidence surviving the strong feelings. Does it make logical sense then that a child will intentionally and purposefully put him/herself in a vulnerable emotional place? The parent, who has issue with the strong feelings, would truly understand how that child must be feeling.
The physical touch and holding by the parent is critical in providing the child with a safe time-out. Being able to do it in private surroundings is just as important. At 2 years of age your child can intellectualize now that what s/he did was not acceptable but not really understand the social implications. To put your child in time-out feeling angry, frustrated, and put-upon is a double whammy. Your child now has to absorb his/her strong feelings and yours too. It is no wonder then that time-out becomes a hellish experience rather than a safety strategy.
So if time-out has not been working for you, stop and think about what happens to you as the parent, when your child acts out strong feelings. As the adult it is your job to understand what's going on for your child. Ask for help from friends, family members you trust or even professional guidance if necessary. If you don't and continue the social teaching of your child with your severe handicaps, your child will pay the price. Your child will not be accepted and possibly not tolerated by others because of the lack of confidence in dealing with strong feelings appropriately. Do you want your child to learn this painful lesson in a strange environment or at home where it is safe and nurturing?
An important note must be made here. It cannot be said enough how it is so important to be consistent. You must ALWAYS respond to your child's feelings in the same manner and to avoid, ignore, or neglect this responsibility you only put yourself and your child at risk in social situations.
Let's Talk About Time-Out
By: Melodie Dupuis
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