Making Things Right Again After Cheating
Making Things Right Again After Cheating
Making Things Right Again After Cheating
I'm often asked "how to make things right" after an affair or cheating by two different parties the person who cheated and the person who was cheated on. Believe it or not, the advice and tips that I give to both is quite similar. What I'll outline below comes from both personal experience (my own husband cheated once upon a time) and intensive research. I am able to see this from both sides as I often dialog with or try to help people who have cheated but who are committed to again making things right again.
Take Responsibility And Blame For Any Part That You Played In The Cheating: The person who cheated must own up to their responsibilities immediately. It doesn't help your cause at all to blame your spouse for what they did or didn't do. Sure, your marriage may have been in trouble. Yes, I know that maybe your spouse didn't give you the attention or time that you needed. And I concede that these things could've left you vulnerable to cheating. However, you made this decision all on your own. And, this decision is devastating to your spouse.
You must take on the blame yourself because ultimately, your spouse did not take this action you did. And, in doing so, you're going to show your spouse that you can still be a person of character and integrity that is willing to own up to your mistakes and to eventually right this wrong. Never make excuses or repeat phrases like "yes, but." There are not buts and no excuses. Own up to what you did and make it very clear to your spouse that you are fully committed to making this up to them.
With that said, the spouse who was cheated on has some responsibilities too. No, you did not chose to cheat or have an affair. Yes, you are for the most part the innocent party. But, there are almost always places where you can improve. You can almost always take a look at and then improve upon your communication, intimacy, and open door policy.
And, when and if your partner does what they can to right this wrong, you'll have some very important decisions to make. Eventually, you will need to decide if you really want to save this marriage and if you do, you'll need to do the hard work necessary to restore the trust, openness, and vulnerability. I know that this is a tall order. I fully understand the pain that you are in and by no means am I downplaying your right to fully feel it.
But, to be whole again, you will have to eventually let that go. You'll need to make a conscious choice to leave it behind and move on in a positive way. This doesn't happenimmediately and there is no need to put more pressure on yourself, but it must eventually happen when you decide that you are ready.
Understand How Hard This Is For Your Spouse And Do Whatever Is Necessary To Lighten Their Load: It can really help to take some time and think about just what you are asking your spouse to do (if you're the one who cheated.) You turned their world upside down.The person who they lovedand trusted moston the planet has betrayed them and stomped on that trust.
And, now, in spite of all this pain that they are in,you are asking them to let you back in, to trust you again, and to do what is the most scary thing of all to allow themselves to be vulnerable again. Trust me when I say that they never, ever want to repeat this. So, allowing themselves to trust you, knowing that you've betrayed them once, is extremely difficult. It is quite a lot to ask and you need to completely understand this.
So, think about what you can do to make this process easier. First, you can become transparent. You can tell them whatever they need to know. Do they want you to call and check in? Do it. Do they want access to your email or cell phone? Give it to them (not forever, but until they begin to see that you are doing what you said you would.) Are they feeling undesirable and unsure about themselves? Show them the genuine attention and appreciation that they deserve. I don't mean being fake and saying things that you don't mean. Instead, I mean really taking stock in why you love, admire, and appreciate them and then sharing this information with them and doing the little things and repetitive things necessary to show them with your actions and not your empty words.
On the flip side, if you are the person who was cheated on, you need to appreciate (as hard as it may be) that your spouse likely is sorry and willing to do whatever is necessary to make this right. Once he shows you that he's making a genuine effort, try to be as open as you can. Know that you can't punish him forever. A day will come when you will have to put this behind you. With that said, don't be shy about telling him if he's missing the mark somewhere. You must ask for what you need without apologizing for it.
Both Parties Need To Envision A Light At The End Of The Tunnel: It may surprise you when I say this, but what I'm about to say is true. It's often not the lack of trust or the resentment that kills a marriage following an affair. What it often is that ends the marriage is a lack of enthusiasm. It's just a tall order to expect someone to do all the work necessary when the only pay off is the damaged marriage that just doesn't look that exciting right now.
So, people just stick their big toe in the water rather than diving in. They take a wait and see attitude because their heart and their commitment isn't fully there (and then they wonder why things didn't work out). To really save your marriage, you need to become excited about the possibilities. You need to believe that you can actually improve things so much that you are much happier as a result often more so than you were able to envision.
This isn't at all uncommon, I promise. Countless people have told me that an affair was actually the little push they needed to stop sitting on the sidelines of their marriage and to stop taking things for granted. As weird as it sounds, some good can come out of this if you use it as an opportunity rather than a curse.
I know that making things right after an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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