My Marriage Has Become So Unloving. I'm Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Stand It: Tips And Advice That Might Help

My Marriage Has Become So Unloving

My Marriage Has Become So Unloving. I'm Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Stand It: Tips And Advice That Might Help

I recently heard from a wife who was seemingly at the end of her rope. She described her marriage as "unloving" and said that very recently, there had begun to be a lot of tension in their home. In the beginning when the affection started to wane, she didn't worry too much about it because she knew that it could be normal for the passion to wane once people had been together for a while. And, at that point, she and her husband were still cordial and kind to one another.

However, recently, she had started to notice that her husband had begun to make sarcastic and somewhat critical comments about her and their relationship. The cordial atmosphere was definitely changing and, more and more, she felt herself being tense and somewhat defensive in the presence of her husband. This was affecting her level of happiness and satisfaction in other areas of her life and she was very concerned.

She said, in part: "I'm not sure how much longer I can take or survive my unloving marriage. I know the spark is gone, but we're at a point that is beyond even that. We don't seem to like each other much and I haven't thought of him in the same context as "love" in quite a long time. He's sarcastic and nasty. I don't want to break up our family. I don't want for my children to not have their father around. He's a good man and a good father. He's just not that great of a husband lately. Is it wrong for me to want more and to wish I felt loved or had a loving marriage? Because lately I just find myself wondering if this is all I have to look forward to."

Comments like this are so common. And no, it's not asking too much to feel loved, appreciated, and desired. If there's any silver lining here, it's that I know that it's possible to turn an unloving marriage around or at the very least make it more tolerable and even fulfilling. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You Can, Try To Determine When Your Marriage Became Unloving. This Hold Vitals Clues About What To Do Now: In situations like this, I find that there's typically two courses that might have gotten you to this point. Sometimes, there's an event in the marriage that proceeds it becoming "unloving." Sometimes there is a stressor that is never quite worked through. Examples are things like infidelity, pent up resentment, a break down in communication, severe and stressful situations that put a strain on the marriage, or personal struggles that people project onto the marriage.

If you can pinpoint when and how the breakdown started, this will often give you the clues about what you must work past now before your marriage is likely to become loving again. I realize that many people will resist this suggestion. Because often people don't really solve a problem because either they don't know how or addressing it is just too painful or awkward.

Sometimes, there is no precursor to the change in the marriage. Over time, the relationship cooled naturally even though both people still loved one another and were invested in the marriage. In my opinion, how a situation like this evolves into a situation like the writer described (where one spouse starts to become sarcastic and critical) is caused by unresolved resentment at needs not getting met. The spouses aren't really angry with one another as no one has done anything malicious or awful. But the spouses are sad and a bit disappointed that they are no longer part of a loving marriage where they feel appreciated and desired. And this is usually when you begin to see that anger seeping out.

Beginning To Try To Turn Your Unloving Marriage Back Into A Loving One: I actually really did believe that this couple still had a chance. It was obvious that the wife was totally fed up and was thinking about exploring a separation because she was tired of being unfulfilled. At the same time, this wife as very clear on the fact that her husband was a good man and father and she didn't really dislike him. She just disliked the state of her marriage and how that made her feel.

When I asked her to pinpoint when things she changed, she admitted she noticed a difference when she got a very demanding promotion at work. The resulting disconnect was very gradual but the two of them didn't have as much time to connect and she was exhausted a lot of the time. So the dinners out and the weekends away dried up. No one made any huge mistake or was unkind. But they drifted apart anyway.

I felt pretty firmly that if this couple really focused on putting more time and effort into their relationship and connecting in a positive way, they would see some changes in the feelings that were coming out of the marriage. The truth was, I didn't think it was that they didn't love each other anymore, it was that they didn't necessarily loved how the marriage made them feel anymore and this manifested itself in what they were seeing now.

But, if they could set it up where the relationship was satisfying rather than draining them, the resentment and the sarcasm and criticism would likely disappear and be replaced by the loving relationship they once had.

Where Do You Even Begin When You're In An Unloving Marriage That Drains You?: The main question from this reader was how does she even start. Things were truly so far gone that she had no idea how to take a first step. My best advice is to start small. You can't overhaul your marriage in a day. But in a small amount of time, you can change what you yourself put out there. You can focus on how you respond and what you placing out there. I often tell people to just start by listening more and showing more interest.

I felt strongly that once this wife noticed even small efforts by her husband, her outlook was going to change. And when that happened, the dynamics in the marriage were going to shift which is exactly what needed to happen.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was "unloving," and he became quite unhappy. I knew I had to change this, but for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore the love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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