My Mother In Law Is Ruining My Marriage: Tips And Advice That Might Help

I often hear from wives who are at their wit's end with their mother in law

. If you've never been in this situation, it can be hard to understand how one additional person in a marriage can throw a wrench into the whole thing. We're often not talking about a little meddling here and there or a few annoyances that you hear once or twice a year and then forget all about.

No, these women are telling me that the mother in law insists on seeing her son and her grandchildren on a daily basis. Or, she parks herself into the wife's life and creates all sorts of conflict. Or, she puts her son in a situation where he has to chose between the wife or the mother in law. This, in turn, contributes to the wife seeing her husband in a very undesirable way and this constant conflict (with very little resolution) can often put a huge strain on the marriage. It's not uncommon for me to hear women say that their mother in law is the sole reason that their marriage is falling apart or failing. In the following article, I will offer tips on how to deal with this situation.

Understand That You And Your Mother In Law Really Want The Same Things (And This Is Why Your Husband Is Caught In The Middle): When I tell women this, they often become frustrated or even angry. But, if you can step back for even a second and try to look at the situation as a third party might, it's possible to understand that the two of you want similar things. You both want to feel loved, valued, prioritized, understood, and appreciated by your husband. Often though, the mother in law has a hard time letting go once her "baby" gets married.

Of course she deserves an attentive and loving son, but she now has to share. And that often is where the problem lies. She expects that things shouldn't have to change all that much. And when conflicts arise, she sometimes expects that your husband should shift the advantage to her since she raised him and has known him for much longer than you have. She is, after all, family. But what she sometimes doesn't understand is that you are his family also.

This comes into play even more when cultural differences or lifestyle expectations are present. Sure, you may well not be who she would've chosen for her son. But at some point, she's going to have to get over that. Because think about your husband for a second. He's completely caught in the middle and is being pulled from both ends. I hear from a lot of husbands on this topic and this hurts and frustrates them quite a bit too.

The truth is, he loves both of you and seeing you both angry with him at the center hurts him too. He feels like he is going to lose and disappoint a woman that he loves no matter what he does. He often wishes that the two of you could just work it out. He's often ashamed and embarrassed by the way his mother is acting, but he's at odds on how to tell his own mother this. (And he knows this makes him seem weak and indecisive in your eyes.)

Putting Your Mother In Law In "Her Place": I often have women ask me how to beat the end laws at their own game. The truth is, in order to do this, you have to define what you really want. And, often that really isn't to "get her" or make her angry. What you really want is just to be happy with your own husband and your own family once in a while without them interfering and causing conflict.

And you know what? The more you engage with her, the further away you get from this goal. The truth is, she's probably feeding off this process every bit as much as you think she is. When she can get you frustrated, or mad at your husband, or on edge, then she's very happy because she's done what she set out to do. In a sense, she's won at least temporarily. And when you're upset and angry, your husband is seeing you in a negative light which is exactly what your mother in law was hoping for.

Instead, make sure that you're not playing right into her hand. Understand and keep reminding yourself that you win when you and your husband are happy and you don't let her invade. If you look at it this way, "putting her in her place" is really not letting her invade and affect your happiness and your marriage. Simply brush or laugh her off. Make a light hearted joke. Let her know that the smile that her son put on your face is NOT going to leave or be affected simply because your place in her son's life make's her uncomfortable. That is her problem, not yours.

If you do this well enough and for long enough, this will often disarm her. She will eventually come to learn that all her insults and interferences are a waste of her time and will only make her look bad to her own son. Every time you rise above her pettiness and put a smile on your face, you've won. And then it becomes very apparent to your husband that the problem is her and not you.

Once your position strengthens and hers continues to weaken she will often come to learn that if she wants to appear positively with her son, that she had better begin playing nice. Here you are smiling and making him happy. So, if there is a problem, it is with her.

What you mother in law wants is for your marriage to suffer. Don't let her do this to you. Work on strengthening your marriage and being happy with one another so that she really has no way in and looks petty when she tries to derail you. I used to draw on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired and almost cost me my marriage. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

My Mother In Law Is Ruining My Marriage: Tips And Advice That Might Help

By: Leslie Cane

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