My Story of How I Overcame Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Tormenting Thoughts

My Story of How I Overcame Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Tormenting Thoughts

In an earlier chapter of my story, I related that when I was a kid I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder. I said that I basically outgrew the obvious symptoms. And I mentioned this fact early in my story because I believe that many people have these type of issues. I wanted to give people some hope and encouragement. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn't go to therapy or anything. I didn't take any medication. I didn't really do anything, other than experience the symptoms and as time went by, they diminished. It's like--one time when I was in college, I tried to lift my motorcycle over a car that had it blocked in a storage area. Not a good idea! I strained my back. It felt quite really bad for about a month. I couldn't even bend over. It gradually got better though. Within two or three months it was gone. This was 40 years ago.

Well, the same with the symptoms of OCD that I had when I was a kid. Most of them just diminished as I grew up. I sort of waited them out. The first one to go was having to straighten things and put them in a certain way. Also having to do some little ritual to take away something bad that might happen because I had a bad thought. There was also a ritual I had to do for no particular reason except I felt I had to do it. All these diminished and went away when I was a teen. But it has become apparent to me that other obsessive thoughts are far more subtle. They diminished in intensity and most gone away, but some of them hung around into adulthood. Some were very vague and subtle. Others were there only occasionally, but very strong.

I will mention a couple of them just to give you an example of what I mean. When I began meditating some 20 years ago, almost all of the obsessive thoughts quickly went away or diminished. Some hung around a long time, and even today occasionally approach--but now I have learned to stand back and watch them and they can't get away with anything. But I want to mention them anyway, even though they are mostly a thing of the past, because I think it may be of help to some people to know they are not alone--I want them to know that others have similar or the same type of thoughts bothering them--and that someone has gotten beyond them successfully. So here goes.

First the ones that were only there occasionally (rarely), but when they are there, they were very strong. One of them strikes when I hear the Bible verse that relates that Jesus said "Ask anything in my name and it will be granted." Immediately something wants to compel me to ask for something very, very wrong. It is a pressure and I think there must be some inner verbalizing, because what it wants me to ask for is said in words. I separate from it, and I drum up some sort of resolve to quickly dismiss it and not ruminate on it. I don't fight it or argue with it. Somehow I become aware of it and it is dismissed. Another one that only arises very rarely is when I hear the Bible verse that says that any sin will be forgiven, except one type of blasphemy will not be forgiven.

Suddenly an inner voice says a bad swear word in a phrase having to do with this type of blasphemy. Again, I found an inner resolve to have nothing to do with it. It goes away. Plus I can clearly see that it is not me that is thinking this thought. So I don't feel guilty about it. I just separate from it and don't interact with it. Now I will mention some of the more subtle ones that I never really knew were "obsessions" until I read a book written by a psychiatrist, entitled The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing.

In my case, these have been mostly various forms of doubt and self doubt. Something like going on vacation and then, 200 miles from home, suddenly wondering if you might have left the stove on. Then dwelling on this thought, with anxiety, for quite a while. In my case, it was like driving past a group of people and then wondering if I hit one of them with the car. Then came thinking about it with anxiety. It is going through an intersection with a red light camera and then wondering if I went through a red light.

Many of these doubts are torments having to do with being accused of something, or fearing and fretting over having done something wrong by mistake. It's interesting that these type of silly little doubts are a bigger form of pressure than the religious, blasphemous or foul thoughts. The religious ones are so ominous that they are no longer credible. I see that they are trying to scare me or make me think I've committed the unpardonable sin. Or they are trying to tempt me to tempt God. In other words, they are trying to tempt me to do or think something wrong to see if I will get in trouble. It''s like a rotten kid daring another one to do something wrong. Now I see what they are up to and just dismiss them. The answer is to just not play the game.

But I think the ones that are more mundane are more painful and tormenting because they tempt our ego to get upset and try to deal with them. They are like getting a letter on Friday afternoon that says you didn't pay the utility bill so it is going to be turned off with a big reconnection fee. You know you did pay the bill, so it's a mistake. But you have to wait all weekend until Monday morning to try to clear it up. The issue itself is not so bad, but the emotions of fear, anger, resentment, a sense of urgency, and even doubt (did my check bounce, etc.) are what cause it to be strong. So now I have learned and am continuing to learn not to react emotionally to anything--a bill, a letter, a phone call, a dent on my car, or an obsessive thought--because the emotions cause a feeling of pressure and the emotions condition our body to feel the upset and want to run or do something to get it over with.

There were also subtle but anxiety and torment-producing doubts about not being able to accomplish something, even some simple thing that anyone can do, because bad luck or fate would not allow me. If I was playing some simple parlor game and lost two or three games in a row--something tried to make me think that fate or providence was against me and if I lost, it seemed to prove that I was cursed with bad luck. This produced anxiety and led to needing to win the little parlor game just to be relieved of losing. Losing seemed to confirm that I was cursed.

These doubts were different at different ages or stages of life. But always the object of the doubts seemed to be to torment with the notion that some sort of loss or failure proved that I was powerless and cursed. In order to not fail (or lose) and have to face the torment of having my powerlessness and curse proved, I often avoided the task or playing the game. But then, of course, the doubt continues to cause anxiety as I realize that I am afraid to find out. These types of doubts are also subtle varieties of doubting or not having faith in anything, even basic tangible things. There is always the fear that I wouldn't be able to do some simple thing: open the door, find my key, pound the nail without bending it, or handle something without damaging it. Somehow bending the nail meant I was cursed or more incompetent than anyone else. It would prove that some sort of forces were arrayed against me personally.

These type of doubts tried to convince me that if I invited someone to my party, they won't come. If I got a goldfish, it would die. If I got on an escalator, it would stop. If I went to a party, no one will have fun. If I went to work for a company, it would go out of business. As the psychiatrist who wrote the book I mentioned earlier said, and as the people she interviewed said--knowing that the notion is irrational and absurd does not help take away the anxiety.

It is only recently, now that I meditate and can stand back and observe thought, that I am becoming aware of just how much of my life had been dominated by these negative thoughts and accompanying anxiety and torment. And now that I am able to meditate and stand back from thoughts, and can see that I am not really thinking these thoughts of my own volition, I am able to see what has been there all along. I saw that the fact that I had a big ego and was very prideful made me prey to these type of doubts. I was being tempted to make everything into a game: succeed to take away the negative suggestion. But since not everything works out in life, any negative result confirmed the negative suggestion and the resentment and anger

Now that I have read some really good books on OCD, where people are really honest and forthcoming about their doubts, am I also coming to see that doubts are universal--many if not all people have some sort of inner doubts and torments plaguing them. I also think that many have had these sort of things that they don't talk about because no one would understand, or which they aren't really aware of--thought they are subject to them. They are so compensated and keep themselves so distracted they are unaware of what is driving and motivating them. This is hard to talk about, so I've asked Roland to talk about it a little. I do know that since I started meditating properly, most of the doubts are gone. Those that are still there are very background.

Though they might seek to assert themselves, I am held apart from them. I observe them in the distance but have nothing to do with them. An analogy would be like living in a big city and living in a nice area. Certain parts of town have bad and scary people there.

Occasionally you drive by the outskirts of that part of town. You see it in the distance but do not go there. For the most part, though you see it, it is a different world. Similarly, it seems like doubts are always lurking with their type of thinking. But when they are observed, they rush away like naughty schoolboys who are up to no good when the principal arrives. The more I meditate and come to the bright side, the more the dark side retreats. .

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