Need Fulfillment Essential in Divorce Support
Need Fulfillment Essential in Divorce Support
How to Recover From Your Divorce: Characteristics to help you create a life of abundant love, passion, & happiness, Part 3:
Need Identification & Fulfillment.
The next essential characteristic necessary to help you recover from your divorce and get the support you want involves learning to identify andmeet your own needs in HEALTHY, APPROPRIATE, & EFFECTIVE avenues, instead of avoiding.
What this means to you as you try to deal with the challenges of getting support is this, everyone is unhappy and dissatisfied in their life for one primary reason, whether they admit it or not, or if they're even aware of it or not - their needs have been frutstrated or unmet for such a long period of time they are losing hope they will ever be met; and, people usually have higher expectations (and demand, explicit or implicit) someone else be the means to their need fulfillment. Until you can figure out your emotional needs (and
we ALL have them) someone else will continue to feel like their expected to be your mommy or daddy - and no adult wants that.
Perhaps you are trying to meet your needs. Maybe you've grown emotionally close to a co-worker; perhaps you spend more nights out with the boys or the girls than you used to; maybe you spend more time at the gym than ever; maybe you're drinking more; perhaps you're using a chemical substance; maybe you simply invest all of your time in your kids, church, or other organization. Do you think any of these are HEALTHY, APPROPRIATE OR EFFECTIVE avenues to get your needs met? You might be surprised to hear this but...
THEY ARE NOT!
"What?!", you say; "Of COURSE, some of these are good ways to take care of myself! How can going to the gym more be a bad thing? You mean to tell me investing all of my time in my children is wrong?! How can serving God by bad? - The Bible says I should. Dude, you're off your rocker!"
Hold on now, give me a chance, because what I want to help you see is this. Any "good" or "beneficial" activity can become a negative whenever you're using it to AVOID yourself or to simply "check out" from your problems. So yes, if you're going to the gym because you feel less attractive and you know some of the guys check you out while you're exercising and it gives you a little
ego boost - yes, this is a "negative" avenue through which to meet your need for validation and acceptance. Yes, if you're using your kids as a diversion so you don't have to deal with the issues in your life, this is a negative way to fill your need to feel valued because (again) you're simply avoiding yourself.
If you're SERIOUS finding solutions to your challenges & difficulties then you'll confront the ways you're avoiding yourself or 'checking out' from your relationship with yourself or others. We all have problems; when you refuse to confront them in a healthy way is when they get out of control.
I'd guess one of the major problems in your life is you feel feel unsatisfied - unfulfilled - and have felt like this for awhile. I wouldn't be surprised to find out you or your ex developed and lived separate lives. I bet you really didn't know each other anymore.
You probably felt resentment or bitterness towards your spouse, or they towards you. This is NORMAL when you feel deprived and believe you
have the RIGHT to be happy. You don't. Not then, not now. I don't want you to miss what I just said so let me be clear: You DO NOT have the RIGHT to be happy. Happiness isn't a right; it's an EMOTION, and like all emotions, it comes & it goes. And, if you're NOT happy, it certainly is NOT your anyone else's fault. It's no one's job to make you happy, to fulfill you, to meet your needs. Like I said earlier, no one is your your mommy or daddy.
I once had a girlfriend who got upset I couldn't read her mind. She litterally expected me to be able to read her mind; to know what she wanted
and what she was thinking. I ended it.
It's no one's job but my own to know what I want and what I'm thinking and feeling. It's also my job to EFFECTIVELY & CLEARLY communicate that
to others - especially if I HOPE they'll help me fulfill my need. It's also my job to parent myself and to figure out how to effectively & appropriately meet my own needs. Think of it this way: If I can't figure out what it is I need, how can I expect anyone else to? It's an unfair & unrealistic expectation. We can only make decisions and take action based on the information available to us; if I don't have the information (she doesn't tell me) my partner needs comfort from me, how can I offer her comfort?
I'm an adult and as such it's MY responsibility to communicate my thoughts, feelings, beleifs, needs, desires, etc. in an effective and appropriate way. Not to pout, whine, complain, act passive-aggressively, demand, scream, take my ball and go home.
You want to less problems in your life? More support? Less arguments, less fights, less conflict, less stress? - Take responsibility for getting your needs met on your own in healthy, effective, & appropriate ways. As you do soit will release an immense amount of tension from your life.
You will feel more satisified & happy because you'll be satisified, and you'll be able to satisfy your needs, on you own, whenever you want. Plus,
you'll become more available to others without showing up with demands or expectations, or simply distracted with the stress from your own hurt, loss,
or problems. This will further your efforts to not only resolve a lot of the issues, problems, & difficulties in your life; it will pave the way to the life you always wanted.
People go to counseling to deal with their problems (or so they say), like a counselor can just wave a magic wand and your life will suddenly be awesome
and all your problems will go away. Or they show up and complain about their ex or their problems, like if they complain to someone else they'll hear
their right and reality will suddenly change and others will be the way we want them to be or our problmes will simply dissipate. Look, if you're
unwilling to simply implement what I'm showing you to do, counseling will be just as useless. Counseling is only effective if you're willing to take
responsibility & implement new skills and ways of thinking and being. This is why I have a very unique policy with the people I coach who are serious
about getting the right support after their divorce. And as far as I know, I'm the only one coaching people just like you who has this policy. It's a
strict "No complaining!" policy because each person is 100% responsible for the results they'regetting (or not getting) in their life. If you are
unwilling to take responsibility and implement what I show you to do, it IS your fault you're not happy. So called "experts" whether they be a counselor,
pastor, therapist or coach who allow someone to argue are simply wasting your time. YOu already know what you don't like about your life & want to be
different. So why are you PAYING someone a TON of your hard-earned money to talk about what you already know you don't like - and why is this "PROFESSIONAL" letting you??
In the next article I'm going to reveal to you some REAL & EFFECTIVE strategies for identifying your needs AND getting them fulfilled in effective,
healthy, & appropriate ways.
P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on!"
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