Relationship Advice for Married Men: 7 Tips for Increasing Your Communication and Intimacy Skills
Author: Darin Doerflinger
Author: Darin Doerflinger
Over 20 years of marriage to a family therapist has left me with some basic guidelines to follow. The following tips have helped me develop an in-depth partnership with my wife and, therefore, a solid harmony in our family and home: Stop your mouth and start your ears. Listening skills are not a usual part of the male makeup. Half the battle is putting your partner at ease. If she sees that your willing to listen, and here is the key, without interrupting, then that will take her off the defensive and put her more in the mood to hear you out when it is your turn to put across your point of view. For your partner, if they see you're making a conscious effort to hear them out, it shows a depth of emotional understanding that they can relate to. When sharing opinions, get past the first reaction. My first reaction is usually, Why cant she just trust me on this. I think guys like to be the experts. But honestly, would you accept that from her? In all arenas, from parenting to vacation choices, most adults have an opinion or desire on what they want to see in their lives. By keeping your first reaction in check, youre able to clear your mind and focus on where she is coming from. Take a deep, slow breath and give yourself time to think. As with most things, the first gut level reaction is usually emotionally based and not very productive in the long run. Control your competitiveness. Most men are raised in a household that promotes independence and prepares them for a competitive world. The tendency is to approach any issue like a lawyer. We want to dominate and win the conversation. This is a common mistake in our partnerships because the reality is youre not in a situation where there is a clear-cut winner. The essence of compromise is finding a common ground where both partners walk away feeling that they were heard and the solution is fair. Have a game plan that is flexible. Start out with your basic ideas on how you want to introduce your kids to sports, for example, and build on those plans with your partner. Think this out ahead of time, even going so far as to make a list of the things that are important to you. After all, you're trying to create a win-win scenario. The thought of signing your son up to football may not bode well with your wife. Acknowledging that she is worried about her son getting injured and then discussing the benefits of social bonding and sportsmanship helps aid in the negotiations. Open an account and make a deposit in the emotional bank. Basically, this means creating goodwill with your partner by doing things that are close to her heart without expecting anything in return at that moment. An example of this would be surprising her, not just on her birthday, by taking over her side of the household duties for a day so she can be free to do whatever she wants. As with any investment, don't expect immediate returns. Also, you will need to make constant deposits over time to assure your partner that your account is for the long term and not for immediate withdrawal. Instigate physical contact without expecting sex. A slow and complete shoulder rub will reap massive returns when it is offered without the lead up to sex. When you're through get up and disengage. Leaving her with a feeling that your physical contact is not always about sex will make her less tense and more open to you when you are feeling the need for intimacy. Practice patience with your kids. Work, whether at home or in an office, can be exhausting. Kids, however, have no understanding of work stress and they have been waiting all day to show dad, for instance, their drawing, model they made, or outfit they picked out. Your first reaction is the most critical. Stop what you are doing including putting down the paper, turning off the television, or pausing your project and make direct eye contact and say, "Sounds great, lets take a look." As a guide, remember how it felt when you were a kid. Your attentiveness will not only thrill your children but will impress your wife. Remember, listen and pay attention to what your wife and partner has to say. Within those words are the clues that you will need to bridge the gap between what you both want out of your marriage.About the Author:
The author, Darin Doerflinger, is the father of two children and the founder of FamilyDayFun.com, a web site built by Digital Velocity Studios to promote family bonding, strong parent/child relationships and a place to find products and services that are family oriented. Copyright 2010 Doerflinger Enterprises - Reprints Accepted - Two links must be active in the bio.