Resent Being Called Controlling

Resent Being Called Controlling

Resent Being Called Controlling

Dear Lauren -

My husband complains that I am controlling and demanding. I think I am very understanding and giving -- and get tired of asking him to do things all the time. Maybe then I become controlling and demanding, but it isn't because I want to be. He drives me to it. It feels like a vicious cycle to me, and I don't know how to make it stop.

Resentful About Being Called Controlling

Dear Resentful -

It does sound like you and your husband are in a bit of predictable and negative cycle. It is also a fairly common one. It is not uncommon for a woman in a relationship to feel frustrated about not feeling heard while a man may feel frustrated about not being appreciated ... and become resentful about feeling controlled. (Of course, this is a general statement and should be taken as such.)

There are some general scenarios that you may expect to feel increasingly controlling or demanding. The first two are the ones you referred to in your letter: when you feel unheard and/or anticipate you will be unheard in a particular instance. In those times it can feel necessary even compelling to speak more loudly and insistently to try to get your point across. As you are finding out, this doesn't often work without planting seeds of resentment.

The second scenario you may expect to experience some controlling behavior is one which typically lies just beneath the first. This is when a person feels like some very basic need is not being met by their trusted other. They may feel fearful and expect that it will continue to be unmet. They may feel out-of-control and resentful.

The point is, of course, that you are in control. While your husband's behavior may make you feel frustrated, you are ultimately responsible for your choices and your behavior. At its worst, "He drove me to it" robs you of your sense of empowerment, the freedom to choose how you will respond and feel.

Admittedly, it is difficult to slow down and choose our thoughts, emotions, and actions. It is possible though. If you don't want to come off as demanding and controlling, begin to see what you can do to stop the behaviors. You can do this with therapy. If that isn't available, you can begin by reading more on the topic. Basically, you are learning how to choose what you will think about, envision, and say to yourself -- even in uncomfortable situations. Once you change your thoughts, the emotions will usually follow.

Rest assured that you are doing the right thing by getting some help. Perhaps your husband will agree to go with you to counseling. With little bit a understanding and adjustment, a couple can meet each other's needs without compromising -- and even more effectively - meet their own.

Best Regards,

Lauren

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