Rules of Intimacy
Once you've worked through these tips to bring closeness back into your relationship
, anything you decide to do in bed together will be mind-blowing.
Remember the early days of your relationship? When a single touch could send enough electricity through your body to power a small country? However long you've been together, it's always possible to regain that frisson and even take it to a whole new level. The trick? Intimacy...
Intimacy is a process where two people freely share feelings, thoughts and actions. Emotional intimacy, with mutual commitment and trust, encourages more meaningful sex and enhances the sense of fun. So what are you waiting for? Let's get to it...
Make Time Together
The first step to improving intimacy is an awareness of each other. Set aside at least 20 minutes each day to connect, and a weekly date is non-negotiable. Do the things you love doing together: have fun. It's easy to make time, once you know that's what has to be done.
Spend Time Alone
Solitude gives us the space we need for self-growth, as well as time to think about the roles we play in our relationships.
We often enter relationships with the subconscious desire for our partner to heal our childhood hurts.
Time apart also helps develop trust. In the words of German poet Rainer Maria Rilke, A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust.'
Learn to Receive Love
Many people are perpetually frustrated in their attempts to connect with their partner. Often this is couched in a self-loathing that makes it hard to accept that someone else could truly love them.
Intimacy begins by being comfortable with who you are. Without this, it's difficult to open up to others and share your private thoughts and fears.
Develop the courage to show your partner who you are, even if you're embarrassed. When you find that he accepts you, your self-confidence will grow and your intimacy will deepen.
The lower your self-esteem, the harder you'll have to work at it, but opening up - and being accepted - will help you feel safe to discuss your desires and fantasies, bringing exciting new possibilities to your sex life.
Compliment and Trust Him
It is important that our partners feel loved and appreciated, too. Get your partner to sit on a chair and put your hand on his shoulder. Then walk around him, 'flooding' him with positive thoughts, saying aloud, 'It's special when you do this...' and 'I appreciate it when you do that...' It's difficult at first, but it gets easier.
Men are certainly not as simple as our mothers told us they were. A psychological model called the male intimacy cycle' describes men in relationships as rubber bands.' They draw close, and when they feel their autonomy is threatened, they pull away. But, once they have some distance, they draw close again. If he never gets to pull away, he'll never feel the desire to get close or that passionate longing for love. But if you let him go, he'll come back every time.
Make an Effort
If you look good, you feel good. Putting on make-up or lighting candles can have a dramatic effect on your mood, and it'll signal to your partner, Hey, make a move. I may be up for it.'
Staying connected in little ways during the day-whether via a quick SMS or a note in his lunch box - sustains intimacy. It can also be a great tool for flirting when the mood strikes.
For the past four years, Brendan's been sending me lunchtime SMSs saying that he loves me and hopes I'm having a great day,' says Josie, who has been married for 12 years. Sometimes he suggests we do something 'special' later that night. I especially like those ones,' she laughs.
Focus on the Journey
Non-sexual physical touch is important. Hand-holding, hugs and massages are good ways to keep in touch, physically and emotionally. As well as sustaining intimacy, it also smoothes the way for great sex.
Every morning, my husband insists that I kiss him goodbye,' says Janice, a 30-year-old production manager. If I try to rush out the door, he calls me back. I think it's why I married him in the first place.'
Accept the Breaks'
Try to see the tough times as a way for your relationship to deepen into mature, long-lasting love. Partnership is like a muscle - when you exercise it, it grows stronger. Push the boundaries of intimacy, and acknowledge and heal problems as they come up. Your emotional closeness will constantly deepen and you'll also become more in tune' sexually.
Rules of Intimacy
By: Sandra Prior
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