Should I Tell the Husband Of The Woman My Husband Cheated With About The Infidelity?

Should I Tell the Husband Of The Woman My Husband Cheated With About The Infidelity

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There are many unpleasant and painful issues that come up once you've found out about your husband's affair. It's often very unclear how to act, how to proceed, and how to process what is happening. I often receive a lot of questions about which steps to take to begin the healing. One of the more common are: "should I tell the other woman's husband that she's been cheating with my husband?" or "should I tell her husband that she's been having an affair?"

I understand all of the concerns surrounding these questions. You may think that telling her husband will call her off and force her to turn her attention to her own marriage and then leave your husband alone. It's perfectly normal to want her to pay for her actions. However, there are also some serious downsides to spilling the beans, which I will discuss in the following article.

The Pros And The Cons Of Telling The Other Woman's Husband That She's Been Cheating With Yours: Obviously, there are a few tempting pros of telling her husband that can't be overlooked. If you spill the beans, she's no longer getting away with something. She will also be forced to turn her attention to her own marriage and leave hers alone. Both of these things sound like pluses and they can be, but there are other ways to meet these objectives in more positive ways.

On the down side, think for a second about how dreadful and betrayed that you feel right now. Do you want to take the responsibility for bestowing this on someone else? Doesn't it make more sense to concentrate on the fall out of your own marriage rather than taking on someone else's issues. And, if you can think logically about it, what good outcome can come of this? It's highly likely that her husband is not going to great you with a warm reaction. And, it's also highly unlikely that inserting yourself into someone else's life is going to help your situation. At this point, your number one priority should be yourself. How is inserting yourself into someone else's life going to help you?

Because what is going to help you the most, and what you really need right now, is reassurance, time, remorse and accountability from your husband, and for both of you to work together to pick up the pieces and fix what was broken. The other woman (and her husband) do not fit into this equation. In fact, it's entirely best if you cease any contact with them immediately and definitively.

If You Must Tell Him: I've spoken to several counselors, have dealt with this personally, and have watched many of my readers go through this issue. I can tell you that I almost never see telling the mistresses' husband turn out OK or positive. However, I fully realize that there are going to be some women who can not resist. If you must tell him, I would highly recommend that you do it as gently as possible and that you interject yourself into these people's lives as little as you can.

I personally think that it is best to do it via email or letter because if you begin a verbal exchange, you can't control or predict the outcome. It could turn out very badly. It's best to just give him the information and suggest that he discuss this with his wife and then stop. Don't provide details. Don't go off on his wife or tell him how he should keep her on a leash. Just give him the information and let him decide what to do with it, which is his right. Always ask yourself how you would want this to go down if the roles were reversed. Because if you think about it, this man is exactly in your shoes and he deserves the same gentle courtesy that you would like someone to give you. Surely, you can sympathize with him and want to limit his pain.

In my view, the best case scenario is to cut this woman out of your life immediately and never look book. Her marriage is her own responsibility. In the coming days and weeks, you should turn your attention to your own healing and not worry about a situation that you know nothing about and can't possibly predict. However, if you must tell, always consider that the husband will likely be in pain just like you. You should consider this, but know that you are in no way responsible for someone else's marriage. The marriage that you should turn your attention to right now is your own.

Dealing with her husband is probably just one of the issues that you are dealing with. I know that working through these things rationally can be difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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