Should I Try To Get My Husband Back? Or Let Him Go?
I am asked this question a lot and it's a very difficult one to answer
. I don't generally know the unique situation involved. And, it's hard to really get the full picture of all of the nuances to give a complete answer. Generally speaking though, it's usually pretty easy to tell that the person asking the question is hoping that I say that they should save the marriage. This is almost always true. I think that the reason for this is that people who are ready to let go don't spend time researching phrases like "making things work" and "saving marriages." Therefore, I'm less likely to hear from those folks.
Even so, I can and usually do offer some considerations in making this decision. There are some questions that you can ask yourself and, following providing your answer, there are some things that you can do to begin to turn the situation around. If you're successful with each small step, your chances of getting him to come home and work with you to save the marriage increase. Granted, the process isn't always easy and it's almost guaranteed to take some time (especially if it's going to be lasting,) but this doesn't have to be a lost cause. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Does Your Heart Tell You To Try To Get Him Back? Or To Just Let Him Be?: Usually by the time that the husband has actually left the home, there are many issues that are in the forefront of your mind. Mix these things in with a good dose of fear, insecurity, anger, and anxiety and it's no wonder that it can be very difficult to step back and focus on your feelings about your husband and the marriage rather than your feelings about the situation that you are in right now. Both of these sets of feelings can sort of blend into the other, making it easy to project your frustration about the situation onto your feelings about him.
Try to take a step back when you are calm and somewhat detached to see if you can listen to your heart rather than that the negative self talk that seems to plague us when we are having difficulties. Sometimes, these negative thoughts cloud out what good is still left. Sometimes, it can take a few days until you are able to do this. But, when you are, try to really be objective and listen and determine what you would genuinely be thinking and feeling if you weren't afraid, angry, or were feeling that other negative emotions that can sometimes cloud this process.
Knowing That You May Have To Change Your Strategies If You Really Want To Get Him Back With His Enthusiasm Intact: You may tempted to work on the "overwhelm him with emotions strategy" that so many of us try, at least initially. What this means is that you're typically temped to call him, text him, and send him letters that are meant to elicit guilt or pity. Many of us do this for a few reasons. First, it's so easy. You are feeling lousy. You do miss him. You are struggling. So, it's natural that what comes out of your mouth or your heart is going to naturally reflect this. Second, frankly, this sometimes works. Sometimes, you are able to wear him down.
But, just because it sometimes works doesn't mean that it works well. Sure, he may come back with a long face and dragging feet. But don't you know that deep down he doesn't really want to be there? And isn't this going to sabotage your attempts to heal this marriage? It's so important that you think about the long term rather than the short term.
Here's something that many of us don't even consider but we certainly should. Your husband is not all that different than you. Human beings all have roughly the same needs. They want to feel good and they will do what they need to do to make this happen. They will subconsciously reject those things that cause negative emotions and embrace what causes positive emotions.
So, is what you are doing right now bringing about the positive and reinforcing desirable emotions in him? Or does it perhaps only reinforce his perception that the marriage is so lost a cause that he needs to leave it in order to improve his situation? You really need to ask yourself these questions on a very repetitive basis. His perceptions are vitally important. If your interactions always leave a bad impression on him, then he is simply going to limit them. This obviously gets you even further away from your goal.
Trying To Draw Him Back Him To Get Him Back Home: I've talked about the why of changing his perceptions and emotions, but now let's talk about the how. On the one hand, you need to let this happen naturally. If you push, he's only going to pull. On the other hand, if you let him take the lead, he might not ever make a move.
There are often legitimate reasons that you need to get in touch with him. Please only use legitimate reasons. He truly does know the difference. When these instances occur, you absolutely have to make the most of them. You want to make sure that he leaves this with positive responses. Don't come on too strong. But, use the knowledge about him that you already know very well to focus on what you know will get you the best response. Do this in the situations where you can be genuine. Fake is so easy to spot. But, here's what so many of us don't get. He's already proven to us that he loves who we truly are when we are at our best. But, it's likely that you're not showing him your best right now and haven't been lately. It's time to change all that.
When my husband left (but I desperately wanted to save my marriage), I made many mistakes. Rather than seeing the negative perception problem for what it was, I engaged in many embarrassing tactics that back fired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here and save the marriage. You can read my
very personal story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com/ Should I Try To Get My Husband Back? Or Let Him Go?
By: Leslie Cane
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