Signs That It Might Be Time To Get A Divorce
Signs That It Might Be Time To Get A Divorce
I get a lot of correspondence from people who aren't sure if their marriage has really reached it's end. People will often describe their marriage or their conflict and ask me if I think their marriage is really over or if it's time to get a divorce. This isn't a question that I'm able to answer in good faith because that's a decision that can only be made by the two people involved. And, I firmly believe that most marriages can be saved if the people involved are willing to change their perceptions and behaviors. However, I often do notice that some of the couples that I meet who have reached the end of their marriages (in the most healthy way that is possible in this situation) have some things in common.
People often ask me if their marriage is showing the "signs" that would indicate that they are at the end of if they should get a divorce. I often offer signs that I feel can be indications of a marriage that is ending. However, my motive in offering these signs is that I'm hoping that if the couple recognizes themselves in the descriptions, they will therefore take some action. Because it's my opinion that people who are sure that they want to end their marriages aren't often asking for advice from someone who usually advocates saving it. In the following article, I'll tell you some of the signs that I often see when people feel that their marriage is truly over.
Sign Number One: Indifference About Your Marriage: Often, people will write me and will confess that they have strong negative feelings about their partner. Some people even go so far as to tell me that they "hate" or "no longer like" their spouse. I believe that many suspect that the stronger the negative feelings, the more likely it is that their marriage is over. While it's never a totally great thing to be feeling negatively where your spouse is concerned, I often find it much more troublesome when the spouse's description indicates that one or both of them are indifferent.
People who are angry or who feel hurt, jealousy, fear, frustration or even hate are at least still having some feelings where their partner or their marriage is concerned even if these feelings are negative. However, I find it more troublesome when they just aren't feeling anything. People at the end of their marriages are generally done with being angry or conflicted. This is generally because they knew that they gave it the best effort that they could and, despite everyone's best efforts, they just didn't make it. While there might be sorrow that they couldn't save the marriage, they generally aren't mad at or are blaming each other. So while feeling negative feelings isn't always the greatest outcome, at least in terms of saving your marriage, I feel that it's better than indifference.
Sign Number Two: No One Is Willing To Make Any Attempt At Changing Things: I often tell people that in a perfect world, both spouses are willing to make some effort to change and improve things. This often is not the case though. Fortunately, I've found that just having one person who is willing to initiative change and improvement will often suffice. Typically, once the reluctant spouse sees that real progress is happening, they are eventually willing to give a little also.
However, sometimes there's a situation where there's no one who is willing to be the one who initiates change. Both people are just sort of crossing their arms and are not wanting to move forward. It's often a situation where they are in a stale mate and no one is willing to the one who stops this. People will often decide if their spouse isn't willing to work with them, then they are willing to work alone. While I certainly understand this thinking, I have to tell you that this situation rarely turns out well. In my opinion, you typically need one person to be the one who is willing to step out of their comfort zone and get started. Usually, the other spouse will eventually join them, but in the beginning, they are sometimes on their own.
Sign Number Three: The Spouses Are More Interested In Keeping Score Or In Changing Or Punishing Their Spouse Than In Being Happy: This is similar to sign number two but it's just as worrisome. Sometimes, people just can't seem to stop clinging to anger and resentment. So, I'll sometimes hear things like "I"m not going to put myself out there when he just doesn't deserve it. He doesn't lift a finger to help me and I'm not willing to do all the work. " Another variation on this theme is "he's been selfish and rude in our marriage and I can't seem to let go of this. I can't imagine not being angry at him."
Sometimes in these situations, I have to state the obvious and question as to why we're speaking about this at all. Clearly, somewhere deep inside, they want to be happy in their marriage. If this wasn't the case, they would not be reaching out to me. But, in order to really be happy, you will often need to let go of the score keeping or the "pay backs." And, if you are always trying to change your spouse or point out their flaws, this is usually only going to make them resentful. People who are happily married often have decided to accept their spouse for who they are and to work around any flaws.
At the end of the day, there are times when you must decide that your goal is to be happy rather than to constantly need to be right. Indignation is almost as threatening to a marriage as indifference. If the culture in your marriage is one where you're both digging in your heals, trying to change the other, and always pointing out or dwelling on the negative, this will typically need to change in order to save your marriage and restore it to a healthy and happy place where you no longer need to dwell upon these things.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when I began to see many of these signs that indicated my marriage could be over. Making things better took a 380 degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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