Super Heroes Who Didnt Make It Into The Avengers
People all over the world enjoyed the 2012 movie
, Marvels The Avengers. The movie raked in over $1.5 billion dollars in box office revenue, and was the highest grossing super hero movie of all time. The super hero members of The Avengers Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, Hawkeye and the Black Widow were an amazing group of super heroes. Their combined powers allowed The Avengers to save the Earth from certain doom, and provided plenty of cool movie moments for everyone watching the film.
The Avengers were a unique team of heroes, with top-of-the-line super powers and abilities such as super human strength, technologically advanced weapons, and head cracking fighting ability. However, this esteemed author has uncovered previously secret studio documents that reveal a group of super heroes who tried out to be members of The Avengers, but were rejected as not good enough. Here is their sad and pitiful story.
Linoleum Man
After being pecked by a radioactive peacock in 2005, New Jersey native, Tony Buffio, gained the super power to turn himself into a 10X 12 piece of industrial grade linoleum. Unable to use his unusual power to fight crime or to perform any other routine super hero tasks, Buffio found temporary work renting himself out as a portable dance floor at local weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
Buffio auditioned to be a member of The Avengers with the imaginative name of Linoleum Man. Although the films producers liked Linoleum Mans durability and resistance to scuff marks, they felt that his super powers did not translate well to film. They did promise Linoleum Man that if The Avengers film ever spun off a sequel film entitled The Avengers The Home Makeover Edition, that he would be given serious consideration if he would agree to work for $2.99 a square foot.
Generic Girl
Following years of exposure to generic brand products by her cost-conscious mother, Susie Gray was astounded to find that she woke up one day able to transform herself into any super hero she wanted to be and with pretty much all of their same super powers. Unfortunately all of her copy-cat super powers are of an inferior generic quality and although they may be pretty much the same, they all seem a little bit cheaper in every way
Instead of Wonder Womans Golden Lariat that magically captured any villain, the Generic Girl Wonder Woman has a long piece of Golden Dental Floss. It magically removes unsightly plague from every villains teeth. Generic Girl Invisible Girl cannot make herself entirely invisible, but can make all of her unwanted body hair disappear. She saves a fortune on razors and shaving cream. In a bizarre example of her generic inferiority, Generic Girl Lady Flash can only move her internal organs at super speed, which has caused her great embarrassment on several occasions as she scrambles up the road trying to catch up to her pancreas.
The producers of the movie felt that a generic quality super hero was not appropriate for The Avengers who pride themselves on only selecting top quality, brand name super heroes as teammates.
Mr. Vacation Pictures
Barry Pastel, a gay Pasadena school teacher, has the photo/morphonic ability to turn himself into his own vacation photographs. After years of putting helpless dinner guests to sleep by showing them hours of boring vacation pictures, Pastel discovered that the mutating rays of his tanning bed had given him the ability to turn himself into photographs of fountains in Rome, mountains in the Alps, and other vacation highlights from Pastels many travels. His body turns into digitally pixilated images produced on high quality photographic paper with minimal spatial distortion or lighting gradients. Although the overall photographic quality is excellent, each picture does require daily food and water.
Mr. Vacation Photos was seriously considered as a possible member of The Avengers as a possible way to save on publicity photographs for the film, but was eventually eliminated from consideration when it was discovered that he faded in direct sunlight.
The Soupinator
For super hero hungry fans around the world, it would seem that The Soupinator would have been a tasty choice as a member of The Avengers. Johnny Alphabet, a brilliant young inventor from Campbell, Indiana, became The Soupinator in 2008, after inventing a robot/crockpot suit that could make any type of delicious soup and then spray it out of fire hose nozzles at specified criminal or super villain targets. The delicious soup immediately calms and sedates its targets, giving them a feeling of warm well-being and fullness that prevents further evil conduct.
The Soupinator auditioned for The Avengers to be either one of the super hero stars or as the caterer, but ultimately failed at both. Thor and the Hulk both dislike soup, and threatened to leave The Avengers if the producers attempted to water down their red meat team of super heroes with a dish better suited as an appetizer. The Soupinators application to be the films caterer was also rejected when producers decided that he was too salty and lacked true gourmet culinary skills.
Milk Dud Man
Peter Pumpkin, a 22 year old man from Atlanta, ate so much candy growing up that one night in 2007, his 428 pound body literally turned into a Milk Dud. When questioned by authorities, Pumpkins body stated that turning into a Milk Dud was an act of rebellious revenge for all of the abuse it had taken over the years. Although Pumpkin attempted to talk his body into changing back out of its Milk Dud state, his body refused the request and then gave him terrible gas for even asking. Accepting his fate, Pumpkin attempted to make a living appearing at childrens parties as super hero, Milk Dud Man. When The Avengers movie began casting for members, he saw it as his chance to the hit the big time of candy-based superstardom.
The producers of The Avengers felt that Milk Dud Man might add a comic touch to The Avengers film, but soon found out that there was nothing funny about an obese Milk Dud melting in the sun. The Hulk also became a problem, when he revealed to the producers that, unlike soup, he did like candy, and he threatened to eat Milk Dud Man on his first coffee break.
Milk Dud Man was asked to leave the film, and returned to his former life of being a simple 428 pound mound of sweet, chewy caramel, covered in luscious milk chocolate. Yum, Yum!
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I guess all of this shows us that even the life of a super hero is not always a bed of roses. They suffer rejection and disillusionment just like all of us. Even though they have super powers, and we are just weak and pathetic mortals with poor hygiene and limited futures, we are all pretty much the same.
So the next time you are feeling down about your life, grab a sandwich and beer, and then sit down on the couch and pop in a DVD of Marvels The Avengers. Lets face it, you probably would be rejected as being a member of The Avengers, but so were Linoleum Man, Generic Girl, Mr. Vacation Pictures, The Soupinator, and Milk Dud Man. You are not in bad company my friends.
by: Garry Spear
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