Treatment Planning and Conflict in Marriage
Treatment Planning and Conflict in Marriage
Wise Counsel
Rules for Fighting Fair
No matter what conflict style the couple has (and be aware each spouse can have a different style), anyone can benefit from learning the following basic rules to fighting fair.
Staying calm.
Make sure the spouse does not overreact to the situation. By remaining calm the spouse will be more likely to consider their partners perspectives. This could eliminate a conflict before it even starts, especially if the conflict is based on a misunderstanding (and many are). If a spouse feels he/she is so angry or upset that they will not be able to deal with the conflict in a healthy manner, instruct him/her to take a "time out" or help the spouse put the matter back into perspective. This one conflict is likely a small matter in the lifespan of the marriage.
One conflict at a time.
If a couple is having trouble resolving one issue, why would they be able to resolve more than one at a time? Some couples try to fix every problem in their marriage at the same time, and in the end they feel exasperated and overwhelmed. Hence, it is best to address one matter of conflict at a time, leaving all others off-limits until the matter at hand is resolved (or let go). Note: If the couple has a lot of problems stored up, it could be challenging to pick one problem to begin.
Sometimes many little problems will feel very intertwined because they are really parts of a larger overarching problem.
Avoiding accusations.
The quickest way to make someone defensive is to accuse them of something. Therefore, instead of accusing a spouse (e.g., you hurt me!) of something, instruct the couple to emphasize how the spouses action(s) have made the other feel (e.g., when you said that it hurt me!).
Don't generalize.
Have the spouse be specific when they voice what the trouble is. It is imperative to have a clear understanding of what is bothering the spouse? Vague complaints are impossible to resolve. Moreover, the words neverand alwaysare two of the worst words to use during a conflict. The reason is that it is almost always an exaggeration. You never pay attentionor you are always lateare statements thatthough they might feel trueover emphasize a less severe situation. I would like you to pay better attentionand It upsets me when you are lateare two much better ways to frame the same issue.
Dont hit below the belt.
Its a rule in boxing, and its a rule for marriages. While in boxing it refers to hitting the opponent in the, ehem, crotch region, hitting below the belt in marital conflict is an attack on the spouse as a person, not an attack on the issue. Moreover, it is usually an attack on a spouses area of personal sensitivity, delivered with intent to hurt the spouse, not resolve an issue.
Don't stockpile.
Storing up small grievances is counterproductive to marital health. Therefore, it is best to deal with problems as they arise. This isnt always possible of course. Sometimes the time is just not right to begin a conflict; such as right before bed, while someone is at work, or in front of company, family or friends. So, to help resolve small issues that pile up, some couples practice something called withholdings timewhere they can verbalize small grievances that have occurred such as you offended me when our guests were over last night,or you forgot to turn off the heat when you left again this morning.If not discussed (or just let go of) these small grievances build up and often explode with a wave of emotion when the couple has conflict regarding something more major.
Action Plan
Damage Control
If a couple comes to your office, chances are a bad conflict has already occurred. Perhaps one spouse (or both) said or did something that hurt the other deeply. If this is where you find the persons you are counseling, have the couple implement the following guidelines.
Begin Reconciliation
The process of reconciliation can occur when both parties are willing to listen without interrupting. They both need to be respectful and understand that there are two sides to every story, two sets of feelings that need to be understood, and two hearts that need to be healed. The following lists of dos and donts will be helpful to those who are trying to guide two people in reconciliation:
In the docolumn:
(1) See the situation from the others point of view.
(2) Repeat back: I hear you saying . Is that correct?
(3) Use words that encourage.
(4) Be respectful, even if you are not treated respectfully.
(5) Realize that you have the power to change only yourself.
(6) Be at peace, knowing that you have the Prince of Peace in your heart.
Now for the donts:
(1) Dont forget that your opposer is also Gods creation.
(2) Dont harbor resentment, bitterness, or hatred.
(3) Dont use youstatements: You make me mad . . . you should . . . you always. . . .
(4) Dont get drawn into useless arguments. (5) Dont expect an immediate change.
(6) Dont assume that reconciliation is always possible.
Apologizing
Physical healing cannot take place unless the person chooses to do what is healthy. Similarly, the healing of two wounded hearts will not take place if both parties defiantly refuse to ask forgiveness. But since there are wrong ways and right ways of asking, you may need to explain the difference:
(1) Dont make excuses: I couldnt help it.
(2) Dont use the blame game: You made me do it.
(3) Accept full responsibility: My attitude was inexcusable.
(4) Accept full blame for your part: No one can make another person sin. I acknowledge that I sinned against you.
(5) With a humble heart say, Ive tried to see our relationship from your point of view. I realize that Ive been wrong in my attitude of . Would you forgive me?
Forgiving
Some persons have a wound that will not heal because they wont leave the wound alone. Just as a wound needs to be allowed to heal, a person needs to allow forgiveness to do its work. As the counselor, you can be effectively used by God to present practical steps in the healing process. Some of these steps include:
(1) Realizing that forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook,but an act of releasing the offender from your hook and onto Gods hook.
(2) Deciding that you want to be free from the pain of the past.
(3) Recognizing the unmet need(s) in the one who hurt you.
(4) Listing every offense, and then, instead of pickingat the wrongs, releasing each offense and the offender into the hands of God.
(For more see the section on forgiveness and reconciliation)
Enlisting a Mediator
If a doctor has been consulted and the medical condition seems uncertain, a second opinionis often sought. The Bible even speaks of bringing in a wise outside adviser: Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established(Prov. 15:22). Sometimes another mediator is needed. Seek a person whom both spouses can respect. Say to them, At times an outside person brings to the table a different perspective. Would you consider a mediator to help us think through the problems to reach a successful end?
Each person must be prepared to experience the possibility of a negative outcome from the process of reconciliation. Ultimately, a relationship may not work out between two people. One person cannot be responsible for the outcome of a relationship. However, each person is responsible for handling the reconciliation process in a godly manner. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men(Rom. 12:18).
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