Want To Save Your Marriage? Simple Skills To Stop Your Divorce.

How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to

save your marriage and to stop your divorce, Pt 5: Developing a Secure Sense of Self, Pt.1

Generally when there's marriage problems and divorce is on the table or already in the mix, it's quickly clear to me that one (and usually both) partner has what's known as a "weak ego development". This doesn't mean someone isn't arrogant enough. It means they don't have a strong and fully developed internalized sense of themselves. What this means to you is if you don't have a strong and secure sense of self it's like your 8 y.o. version of yourself is still in charge. On the outside you may look like an adult, yet on the inside your thoughts, feelings, & attitudes are more reflective of a much younger version of you. This is a MAJOR reason your marriage is in jeopardy, and if you're serious about saving it you're going to begin developing a strong and secure sense of self.

When you don't have a secure & strong sense of self t's difficult for you to handle criticism. As a result you either shut-down, completely deny what the other person is saying, attack the person who criticized you, acted out as a way to deal with the criticism (drinking, leaving the house, complaining to someone else about what happened, tune out by turning on the TV, substance use, using porn, etc.). Perhaps you use one or more of the above defense mechanisms. And what are you defending against? Shame (but more on this important issue in a different article because there's too much to discuss for one article). When one or both of you is shutting down (avoiding) divorce will seem to make sense. After all, why remain in a relationship when no one's engaging each other? However, divorce only seems to make sense because what divorce promises is only a illusion.

Divorce seems to promise a fresh start. An ability to regroup, start over, & find someone new. It's in the "finding someone new" the promise becomes an illusion because the belief in your mind or your partner's is "The grass is greener on the other side. The grass HAS to be greener on the other side. I see other couples who are happy, & so I know I can be one of them as long as I'm with someone else." The reality is this: If the grass is greener on the other side it is because it has been nurtured, attended to, & cared for. Do you know anyone who has actual grass in their yard which simply naturally takes care of itself, or do the owners care for it, cultivate it, water and fertilize it & mow it? Then why should your marriage be any different?

This is why divorce is an illusion. It changes nothing. If relationship is serves as a mirror to ourselves (and it does) then where does the problem lie - with the mirror which is simply reflecting what's in front of it or the person who doesn't like their reflection in the mirror? I say this not to blame you, rather to help you see the problems, challenges, & difficulties in your current relationship will simply show up in your next relationship. They may look different, appear different, but underneath the appearance it's the same issues.

Back to criticism...And what is criticism? Telling you you're an asshole? No, criticism, or healthy criticism is simply saying you didn't like what someone said or did. Imagine if you and I are meeting up for a coffee at 2:15pm & I don't show up till 2:30pm. Maybe you feel disrespected and I was inconsiderate. Healthy criticism would be to tell me, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if we're going to meet up you show up on time because when you show up late I feel disrespected." This is a great example of a good way to state a complaint. Couples looking to divorce as an alternative usually have a strong dose of unhealthy criticism. One of the targets for you will be to refocus on healthy criticism.

A bad way to criticize would be to stew as each minute ticked by, thinking negative things about me, such as "This guy's always late. He only cares about himself. If I actually mattered to him he'd show up on time. I bet he'd show up on time for someone who was important to him." And then when I show up to tell me, "Look man, if you can't be here on time, don't be here at all. I'm tired of you being late all the time. Maybe for once you could think of someone other than yourself!" This is a classic example of negative criticism, and yet how most people state their complaints.

Criticism is so challenging for someone with a weak sense of self because it takes on a "all or nothing" appearance. Someone says something to you like, "Hey, if you drink the last of the coffee can you make some more?" And you hear it as, "I'm sick of you drinking all the coffee and then not making anymore. Stop being selfish and think of someone else for a change."

Criticism also threatens security in relationship for someone with a weakened sense of self. For example, if your lover tells you they don't like it when you forget to follow through on what you say and they have to keep reminding you, you hear, "You're like a little kid who I've got to nag. You're in trouble and if you don't shape up I'm going to pull away from you. I'm angry with you and you're on a fine line, so you better not mess up." Criticism triggers an internal sense of insecurity in the relationship. Maybe you begin thinking your partner is angry with you, doesn't like you, thinks less of you, would be happier with someone else (and in fact would prefer to be with someone else).

Criticism, of course, threatens what sense of self you have as well. When your partner has a complaint it threatens your sense of self. You begin to question your own intelligence, competency, and sense of mastery in the world. It most likely comes out as a complaint to yourself about your partner, "She probably thinks I'm stupid because she keeps reminding me to pick up the dry cleaning. She thinks I'm like a little kid, otherwise she'd trust me to get the dry cleaning." Really, the complaint triggers your own doubt of your own intelligence and competency. However, to internalize those thoughts and feelings would creep closer to the deep shame hidden far beneath it all. Therefore, it's easier to project your own self-thoughts onto your partner.

Usually, for someone with a weak sense of self criticism from your spouse triggers a strong and powerful emotional reaction within you which you may or may not express outwardly. This emotional reaction may seem unusually strong, like an emotional uprising. Perhaps you feel or express a deep rage or protest or denial. This is because the criticism actually triggers transference for you - reminding you (unconsciously) of your past experiences in relationship and in so doing, transfers your emotional past and psychological needs to the present. Think of it as an "emotional time warp". How do you know if this has ever happened to you or your partner? Have either of you seemed to 'overreact' or been told you're 'overreacting'? Have you ever felt out of control? Have you ever felt like a little kid when hearing criticism from your lover? Have you ever seen red? These are all some examples of what happens when 'transference' is triggered.

In order for you to save your marriage - even if you're the only one who seems to want to - it will be critical for you to begin learning how to handle, receive, & give criticism differently. And in so doing, begin to develop a stronger and more secure sense of self.

Stay tuned my friend! In the next part I'll share with you another distinguishing characteristic of a weakened sense of self and what it means to you, your relationship, saving your marriage & why your marriage problems didn't begin in your marriage (and yes, there IS hope!).

P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"

by: Saving Marriage Guaranteed

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