What's Up With The Sex?
In the world of relationship coaching and therapy
, it's fascinating how things seem to come in waves. The issue in any given month may move from rage in men to rage in women to affairs to passive-aggression to dead marriages. Before I know it I have several different couples dealing with the same issue until the next wave of couples comes along.
The apparent new wave has to do with sex. Not just any sex though, it has to do with sex with multiple partners such as swinging, threesomes, open marriages and the like. I'm sure many people take a stand on this one way or the other. However, I have really tried to be open enough to hear couples out and not just assume the worst. In fact, I've even gone out of my way to try to see things as another alternative for keeping things alive in a marriage. To no avail...
I've heard the arguments that humans aren't meant to be monogamous, people are too stifled regarding their sexuality, as long as there are two consenting adults it's fine etc. Here's the thing though...I have yet to find a happily married couple, with a great relationship, invite a third party into their bed. I have also yet to find a couple, who was swinging or the like, where one partner wasn't more into it than the other-or where jealousy didn't come into play somewhere down the line.
I have come across many couples who've tried to justify their choice to me. The bottom-line, however, when they got truly honest (which they of course did not with each other or their friends) was people are agreeing to this for the wrong reasons. Below is a list of many of the dynamics I've seen related to this lifestyle. If you and your partner are living this lifestyle, are any of these dynamics present in your relationship?
1.One partner was adamant they needed it and the other partner went along because they were afraid they would lose their partner if they didn't. Women, by the way, by far are often more likely the ones to go along.
2.Having threesomes was a "safe" way of getting their homosexual fantasies met without having to come out as homosexual.
3.One partner had a history of sexual abuse that they have not addressed directly and thoroughly and this gets played out in their current relationship. Some became promiscuous at a young age and others don't know how to say no and run the risk of disappointing or even losing their partner.
4.When it comes to threesomes, it is often two women and one man. Why? Because the man doesn't want to be with another man but it's hot for him to be with two women.
5.It is very common for one partner to begin an affair with the couple's "threesome partner". For some reason this is shocking to the spouse who then feels betrayed. This happens because as the saying goes, "When you play with fire, you're going to get burned."
6.One of the partners (or both) is truly a sex addict while the other partner is literally and figuratively trying to turn themselves into a pretzel to satisfy their partner's insatiable appetite. The more the non-addict tries to satisfy the sex addict, the more the sex addict needs and wants. It is an endless trough that can never be filled.
The partner begins to agree to do things they are not comfortable doing and sooner or later things begin to go down hill fast.
I realize that many individuals and couples will vehemently disagree with this post and to those people who do I'm open to hearing your stories. As I've said, I've yet to meet a successful threesome or swinging couple even though they would say they were.
My belief is that love should be a mutual back and forth of trust, respect, cherishing and intimacy. Many people choose to be in a committed relationship because they want to be special to someone and have a strong sense of "we". We want to know we can count on our partner to have our back, love us and be there for us. I don't believe this dynamic allows for this and I see too many people selling themselves out for a desperate attempt to keep someone who doesn't want to be kept.
CHALLENGE: If you are in an "open" relationship, I encourage you to explore why. Look at your choice with an open mind not from a place of defensiveness and see if this choice is coming from a healthy place. Regardless of what answer you come up with, good for you for being willing to look at your decision.
What's Up With The Sex?
By: Lisa Merlo Booth
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