Why Do We Stay?
What's going on for us when we stay in a bad relationship
? Do we think if we just try harder, work more, or improve ourselves or the other person it will get better? Do we stay stuck because we think that happy fulfilling relationships are a fairy tale, or that all of life is a compromise, or that we are just expecting too much?
If your mind or heart are rumbling around in any of the above questions or doubts, and your relationship is not the haven of love and support you want it to be, here are some guidelines to help you sort it out:
1. Who I Was ThenAnd Who I Am NowAre Not The Same
What place were you in, emotionally, financially, and mentally when you met your mate? What needs were you seeking to get met? What has changed for you now? Do you feel stuck because you've made promises you don't want to keep?
Before you make any decisions to stay or to leave, you want to get some counseling. And eventually, you want your mate to attend at least five sessions with you. You cannot chart your future until you have a clear assessment of where you are now.
The answers to solving your unhappiness ultimately rest within you. However, if you are living with someone who is significantly blocking your ability to function, you need new support and insight. He may indeed be blocking youbut you may be allowing it. This is why you need help sorting out what's yours, what's his, and what you need to do from here.
2. FEAR Is My Master
Ahhh this is such a big one. The thunder of fear drowns out any wise inner voice, or the patient sounds of friends, or the quiet beauty in nature. It's hard to pause and appreciate your opportunities or innate gifts when you think Tyrannosaurus Rex is at your door. Your fear may be anchored in very real concerns, such as a lack of money, the futures of your children, past failed marriages, health issues, and more.
What can you do if you are paralyzed by fear? Take one step today towards finding a solution or assistance for one of your challenges. Your first act might be to go and find a coach or a counselor. Taking an action step automatically shifts you from the hopeless lane onto the highway of hope.
3. Isolation Is My New Companion
If you are in a negative, hostile, or abusive relationship, you have probably become isolated. You don't want to invite your friends into this place of misery, nor can you make any new ones. And if you do have any friends, they probably live on some level of also being a victim in their lives.
However, if you are just stoically wretched, being unhappy in a relationship can bring you a lot of (debilitating) pity, commiseration, and memberships in the suffering women's clubs. You'll find plenty of agreement from others for whatever is not working in your relationship, how you are powerless to change it, and how you just have to "soldier on" in spite of how hard life is.
What can you do about this sinkhole of unhappiness? Start out by eliminating clutter in your living and working spaces. This action will give you a shot of energy, which can help you set out on the next steps to drawing better boundaries with the negativity around you and enlisting the help you need to spring yourself from the trap you're in.
4. Other People's Judgments Make Me Wilt
Most of us like to believe that we act in accordance with our own free will; our highest standards; our personal, individual judgment that chooses to always do what is right. Though that may be true some of the time, we are more influenced by other people's opinions than we realize. What would your mother, or father, or siblings, or other relatives say or think if you left your relationship? What would your circle of friends say? Does it seem easier to hide your confusion, pain, or doubts than stand up to their questions? Or, even more seriously, does your very survival depend on their approval?
What can you do? Now is the time you bring out the original marker (placed on your heart at birth) for why you are here. What are you not giving yourself? What are you not allowing yourself to become? What do you need to focus on to bring you one of your values, ambitions, or goals? What are your forgotten dreams?
No one said this part is easy to accomplish, but when you are living with a foundation under you that you built yourself, you won't have a need to live your life based on what other people think. You will do what is best for you and yours.
The above are some of the reasons why we stay in unfulfilled, stagnant, loveless, relationships. And, surprisingly, in some situations, when we take on the growth required of us, the relationship changes. It either gets betteror, it becomes easier to say goodbye.
It's important to remember: help is out there. You can find ityou can growand you do deserve to be happy.
Why Do We Stay?
By: Tonja Weimer
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