Why You Are Not Finding the Right One
Why You Are Not Finding the Right One
Why You Are Not Finding the Right One
Billions of dollars are spend each year as people search for information on how to find the "one." With the divorce rate over 50% people are rushing into marriage without even understanding how to find the right one. Many times people mistake neediness for love and this causes us to commit to another without really thinking things through. Just because you are happy with your potential partner today doesn't mean you can sustain a life of happiness. Happiness is a choice you both make and over the course of this article you will find out the steps to seeing if he or she really is the one for you.
1) "They will change."
One of the biggest mistakes that people make going into a relationship is the idea that their partner will change over time. Maybe you are with someone and they are our partying all the time and drinking. You might have the idea that over time they will settle down. We cannot change anyone in life. We do not control anyone; it is this illusion of control that causes us to suffer in our relationships with one another and over time causes resentment to build.
This is why it is so important to never be with someone who has "potential" to be what you want. If they are not right for you now then they never will be. If the person you are with annoys you, or you don't like the way they do something, maybe there subtle nuances gets on your nerves then these things will not change, they will simply be magnified later on in the relationship or marriage.
2) "This feeling will last forever."
Another mistake that people consistently do is except this overwhelming feeling of love to last forever. In the early stages of a relationship the "I'm in love" feeling is often misinterpreted for, "I'm in lust." Love changes overtime and you begin to have deeper meanings and feeling associated with it. You begin to fall in love with the character of a person rather than the objectification of the individual. What sustains love is the person's personality. We tell students all the time that attraction is only part of the formula, you must have a connection with that person and that is done through personality.
3) "Complement, not complete."
In the movie Jerry MaGuire the famous line Tom Cruise's character utters is, "You complete me." This one line as romantic and great as it is gives people false expectations about relationships. No one will ever complete you, you complete you. Often we make the assumption that there is another person out there who will complete us because we are incomplete without them. This ideology is damaging to relationships and marriages because it sets us up only to be let down. We are complete, we should look for someone to complement us, not complete us.
When you find someone who complements you, you will share a deeper level of connection as you work toward your goals in life together. I often tell my students that my best example of what love is would be two people walking hand in hand toward a goal together. If your partner complements you then they bring out the best in you. This is why sharing goals together is so important. Relationships are living entities and they are either growing or decaying at all times. If you are helping each other accomplish your goals then you are growing together and deepening the emotional bond that you share. This is why relationships are SELFLESS rather than SELFISH. In a selfish relationship your partner would complete you and thus you dependency on your partner is very high. In a relationship based on love, compassion and one where your partner compliments you then you are already complete, they are simply encouraging you and loving you as you work together to accomplish your goals. There is no competition in love, only compassion.
4) "R.E.S.P.E.C.T"
If you want to find the right one for you then you need to learn respect. Respect not only for your significant other but also for yourself. The first question you must ask is, "do I respect and admire myself?" If you answered no then chances are you cannot respect or admire others. The reason for this is because your respect and admiration will be co-dependant rather than independent of your partner. If you are looking to your partner to make you feel better about yourself then you are co-dependant on them and that is not love, it is manipulation.
Healthy relationships come from healthy people. It starts by respecting who you are and admiring the person that you are becoming. When you respect and admire yourself then you can and will attract that same quality in other people.
The second question is, "do I respect and admire this person?" Understand that there is a difference between respects and impressed. You can be impressed with someone because they have nice things but you tend to respect a person because of the content of their character. Sure you can respect the determination it took to get the nice things this person might have but respect tends to come from a character trait rather than a possession. The ultimate question is do you respect and admire the person not the possessions.
5) "Holding back."
There is a simple principal in life that if we fail to use it we will NEVER get what we want. That principal is called, "asking." If we don't ask for what we want then we will never get it. In relationships often times people hold back their wants, desires and feelings for fear of losing their partner. The lack of satisfaction we feel from not asking for what we want will with time causing us to stray emotionally and physically. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up and addressed. Bringing up the things that may be difficult is the only way you will be able to get resolution to the issues. Holding back your wants will only lead to needless suffering.
6) "Unhappy"
If you are single and unhappy you are most likely going to be in a relationship and unhappy as well. This is even more pronounced when it comes to marriage because the commitment level is much higher. Sadness is never solved by bringing another person into the equation that will only temporarily give you a false sense of happiness. As soon as the "honeymoon" phase is over you will be miserable just like before. Emotions come from the inside out and not the outside in. Knowing this it means that you are responsible for your happiness and not another person. Unhappy people make unhappy relationships.
7) "Failure to communicate."
Communication is not only important for a health relationship, it is essential. A lot of times we think that communication is sitting on the sofa talking about the news. True communication is centered around, YOU, ME, or I. Not only does communication strengthen the emotional bond of a relationship but it also is used to set expectations and boundaries. All healthy relationships have boundaries associated with them. How clear each partner understands and respects the boundaries is a good indicator on how their relationship will turn out. If you are not able to communicate your sexual needs to your partner for fear of criticism or your own insecurities then your needs will not be met and you will seek out other avenues to meet your needs.
Failure to communicate expectation of your partner is one of the biggest reasons that relationships fail. Read the following list and ask yourself when is the last time you asked these questions to your partner?
How often to you expect to have sex?
How important is sex to you in this relationship?
What am I not doing that you wish I would?
Are you satisfied with our sex life?
What do I do that really bothers you?
What do you wish I did that I currently am not doing?
What can I do to be a better partner for you?
Are you happy with the way things are going? If not, what is wrong?
These questions should be asked every 6 months or so in order to keep on top of issues before they become larger. When two people have open and honest communication then the relationship becomes a living entity that flourishes rather than stagnates.
If you want to find the right one then it starts with accepting yourself and loving yourself right now. Acceptance is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your potential partner. If you bring a broken person into a relationship then you will get a broken relationship. Stop seeking a partner to make you feel good about yourself and feel good about yourself now and the partner will seek you. You will have a relationship build on compassion rather then completion. You will build a life with a person based on love and not neediness.
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