Woman to Woman

Reading my husband's emails, I discovered he'd been discussing intimate details of our personal life with a mutual friend

. I feel angry and betrayed, but don't feel I can talk to him about it, as I was wrong to read his emails. What should I do?

An essential quality of a healthy relationship is a commitment to the truth; mistrust doesn't only originate from others' actions towards us, but also from the wounding and insecurities inside us. What made you read your husband's personal emails in the first place? Do you already have trust issues?

If so, you need to address these first. You do, of course, have reason to be upset if your husband violated a stated and mutually agreed upon boundary of your marital relationship by disclosing intimate details of your personal life to a friend. But boundaries in a marriage are often unstated, ill-defined and thus unclear. We may not know what the boundaries of a marriage are until we stumble upon a problem.

Boundaries also differ from couple to couple. You need to examine your feelings of betrayal. What does it mean to you that your husband shares this kind of information, and that your friend now knows this about your life? Approach your husband gently, lovingly and constructively - if he feels attacked, he may not be accessible. Ideally, for your husband to hear your feelings of betrayal and be truthful in return, you need to own up to your violation of his privacy.

Apologize as this will pave the way to a mutually beneficial solution and a strengthened connection based on trust. Explore his reasons and need for doing this. He may have had no-one to talk to and felt he needed a different perspective.

Agree on appropriate marital boundaries, as well as how these will be maintained and revised in future. Then make a commitment to the truth.

My husband's addicted to Facebook. We rarely have time together anymore as he spends every free moment glued to his laptop. What can I do?

Many people are excited by being able to look intimately into others' lives; in turn, they crave the attention they get from putting their own lives on display. This isn't necessarily pathological, but it allows personal boundaries to become quite blurred. Facebook certainly has its advantages, but because it is time-consuming, evolving, dynamic and easily accessible, it becomes problematic for people who don't know how to manage their boundaries ' healthily - and can become a substitute for real human connection. It requires time and effort, which counters boredom and loneliness for some. It's an easy distractor for people whose lives feel mundane, empty and lacking in excitement -especially for those who feel socially excluded, isolated and inadequate.

Tell your husband that you miss him and wish to spend more time with him. Explain that even though you respect how he wishes to spend his free time, you're concerned that his Facebook involvement is robbing your relationship of quality time. Suggest that some free time each evening is allocated to individual activities and the rest to shared activities. Propose that you spend time listening to music and just chatting. Every couple needs to connect on a deeper and meaningful level and this is often simply through real conversation.

Woman to Woman

By: Sandra Prior

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