Your Marriage When Your Husband Still Has Feelings For The Other Woman
Most of the emails that Iget are from couples that are trying to rebuild their marriage after an affair
. Sometimes, the spouse who cheated is trying to be honest about everything and they will admit that they still have feelings for or about the other person. This is probably one of the hardest things that the other spouse can hear and this admission now becomes a huge obstacle to fixing the marriage. The spouse who was cheated on can begin to hold on to or dwell on this information and this can really impede or delay your progress.
I often get questions from both of the spouses. I hear things like: "how am I supposed to go forward with this marriage if he's still harboring feelings for the other woman? How can you love two people at once and how can he expect me to go forward knowing that he still cares about this woman?"
And, from the person who cheated, I'll hear something like: "I was just trying to be honest. She's telling me that she will accept nothing less than the whole truth about every single thing so Iam trying to show my commitment to her by telling her the entire truth. And, the truth is that I do still care for the other person. But that doesn't mean that Idon't love my wife more and want to save the marriage. Why can't she understand this?"
I know from experience that both points of view are valid. But, that doesn't mean that this doesn't make it very difficult to work past this. In the following article, I will offer some tips and advice to help you with this.
Know That Time And Distance Is Your Friend Here: Often when these little admissions come out, the affair and the cheating is still fresh. Time is what will diminish the shock, the fall out, and the feelings. In truth, in order for feelings to deepen and sustain themselves (with both you and with her) they must be nourished.
So the first step in fixing this marriage is going to be for your spouse to immediately terminate all contact with this person. Sometimes, people will tell me that this isn't possible. Perhaps the other person is a coworker or part of the community or neighborhood. The ultimate way to fix this is with a move. Sometimes this is not possible, but sometimes it is. If it is not, then your spouse must put up firm boundaries. He or she should limit or eliminate (if possible) all forms of communication. There should be no intimatecontact that can sustain or move forward anything other than a platonic and limited relationship.
Over time, if your spouse is not in contact with this person, the relationship (and eventually the feelings) can not sustain themselves. They might be dying a slower death than you would like, but they will eventually die out because there is nothing to feed them.
Focusing On Your Relationship With Your Spouse Not On Your Spouse's Relationship With Someone Else: Honestly, the best thing that you can do right now is to focus your spouse's attention on you. I know that it might be tempting to continue to bring up the other person, but do whatever you need to do to resist this urge. Because by doing this, you are only drawing their attention back to where you don't want it to go.
You are much better off drawing their attention and their efforts back to you and your marriage. You want to put the focus on you and on your improving home not on somewhere outside of it. The best thing that you can do right now is to work on and strengthen your relationship. But, do not make the huge mistake of making this process feel like "work" and drudgery. If you make your home a place where everyone is walking on egg shells and experiencing life through a very unhappy veil, then the other person is going to appear attractive by comparison.
That's not to say that you should pretend that things are fine when they aren't or that there isn't work to be done when it is. But, do everything that you can to make this "work" pleasurable. You can bond with your spouse by doing fun and exciting new things together just as well as youcan withdeep and painful discussions on a regular basis. Sure, you do need to have these conversations sometimes, but you need to balance this with pleasurable activities.
You want to create a new atmosphere of light hearted fun. You want to rewrite your history ina positive way. And, your best defense against this other person is to make sure that you are both happy and secure within your marriage. This takes time, to be sure. But when you and your spouse emerge happy and fulfilled then there is really not any reason for them to dwell on someone else. I'm not saying that this does not take time and is not a process. But, if you put in the time and effort, Ipromise you this person will not be a huge factor in your life any longer once the work is done.
In the first weeks after I find out about my husband's affair, I spent way too much time thinking about her. I finally realized that I was better off thinking about myself and about us. This made a huge difference. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/ Your Marriage When Your Husband Still Has Feelings For The Other Woman
By: Katie Lersch
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