Your Relationship Needs Regular Maintenance - Is it Time for a Tuneup?
Your Relationship Needs Regular Maintenance - Is it Time for a Tuneup
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A good relationship one can make your days joyful and exciting. A bad relationship can make every day seem like abattle that has no end.I am offering a few of the questions that should beasked asany serious relationship moves forward. After 35 years of marriageI amgetting better at asking these questions while still working towardthe answers.I will generally be assuming amarriage relationship as the basis for the questions. But, any relationship, friendship, involvement with a relative, even work-oriented relationships can produce some of the same questions. So, if you are not married you will still find some benefit.
Think back to the beginning
Think back to when you and your significant other first became aware of each other. What was it that attracted you to that person? What qualities did he or she possess that made you think this may be the special one? After a lot of time together it is easy to forget what made youwilling to make a lifelong commitmentto this person. What significant changes have occurred? Are those attractions still there, only somewhat covered up by whatever builds up over time?
Since all of us change over time, you must ask yourselfwhat are you willing to overlook. If some of what attracted you to that person in the first place no longer exists in the same way, how important is that? Remember, while asking yourself this question, you have changed, too. Thiscuts both ways. With changeasthe only constant in life have you accepted the changes in your relationship?
What areas need improvement?
All relationships go through periods of ups and downs. But, it is important to recognize when a problem you are having withsome area of your life is invading that relationship. Are you taking out that dissatisfaction on your spouse or best friend? Are you taking out misplaced anger or frustration on a trusted co-worker or the person closest to you ?
Can you sense any warning signs of building problems? Spendinga lot of time on solo projects or in separate rooms doesn't prove a problem, but can point to one. If two people don't enjoyspending time together there are often underlying reasons that need to be explored.How about casualconversation. Has it ceased?Do you do something together outside the home? Do you still have "date" nights? Are there shared responsibilities? Does one person handle all the "important" stuff? If so, is it because of a belief that the other partner is incapable? That attitude is nothelpful inmaintaining a happy home.
Honesty and trust
Trust is everything. Withoutit you will not have a healthy relationship. Are there any trust issues that are harming your relationship? Have you openly discussed the problem? I've never read anything that says the loss of trust can be improved by ignoring it.
Regaining lost trust requires complete openness and time. It requires humility, compassion, empathy, and a willingness tomove on from both sides. It requires a belief in the worth of the effort. It demands respect for the other person's feelings. Some issues of broken trust cannot be repaired. But you will never know if a good faith effort isn't made.
Think about new activities and interests
Over time you and your significant other will lose interest in some activities and add new ones. Change is part of the human condition. For a relationship to remain healthy thereshould be at least a few of those activities that the two of you share. If the interests you once enjoyed together no longer turns you on, look for new ones.
Compromise is very important. If sheloves to dance and you would rather go to the dentist, occasionally you are going to have to find a dance floor and stumble around for awhile. Likewise, if you love watchingmen on skatessmash into each other at a hockey game your spouse or friend needs to join you at a game or two. Buy that person lots of food or drink. Explain why something played on ice has a rule against icing. The goal (pardon the pun)isn't to convert the other person to your level of interest. It is to share time together and show your willingness to support each other's passions.
Communication is crucial
It is commonly believed to be true that men aren't particularly verbalwhile women love nothing better than a good talk. This basic conflict between the sexes trips up a lot of relationships. Texting your deepest feelings to your spouse isn't going to work long term. Discussing the plot line of a TV show isn't enough either. What is required will be a sharing of emotions and beliefs. Reviewing each other's day must be more than a recitation of how hard you worked and how tired you are.
Communication is hard work. It involves a type of listening called reflective listening. This is when you briefly summarize what you believe the other person has said.Reflective listening is a sign of respect for the other person. You are not formulating your answer while he or she speaks, rather you are actively listening to what is being said.I was trained in its use as a spiritual counselor and can vouch for its effectiveness in fostering open and meaningful communication.
Stop Thinking and Start Doing
OK, it is time to stop reading and start taking action. Relationships are dynamic. Every minute of every day it is shifting. Your goal should be to have it shift in a positive direction. That willmean taking some action. Adjust your mindset, agree to some things you'd rather not do, and show a willingness to adapt. If your primary relationship is to grow, you're going to have do do some occasional heavy lifting.
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