6 Mistakes To Avoid In A Relationship
1. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
1. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates a numerous forms of controlling habit. Controlling habit falls into two major classifications, overt control and covert control. Overt control includes numerous forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control incorporates compliance, allowing, withdrawal, protecting, explaining, lying and denying. Often any person at the other end of attack will respond with a few form of covert control in an attempt to have control through not being attack. Controlling behavior constantly results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is mean to keep away.
2. RESISTANCE
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulf and controlled of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control through them, they respond with resistance, withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant that is surely an attempt to have control through not being controlled, the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel disillusioned, stagnant, and resentful.
3. NEEDINESS
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take duty for their own feelings and requires, and to define their own self worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they require.
4. SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, investing, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, romances, work, TV, acquiring things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as alternatives to fill emptiness and keep away from fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. Likewise, they are all ways of shutting out your partner.
5. EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE
Many people are acutely familiar with what their partner is doing that is provoking relationship drawbacks, but unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner's resistance or withdrawal, but very unaware of your own judgmental habit. You might be very aware of your partner's anger, but unaware of your own compliance. You might be markedly aware of your partner's addictive habit, but very unaware of your own allowing. As long as your eyes are on your partner rather than on yourself, you will stick with it to believe that if only your partner altered, everything would be all right.
6. RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
All relationship killers come from fear of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out is to originate a loving adult self who realizes how to take full duty for your own feelings and requires. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive habit only when you discover how to fill yourself with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner's plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to perform the inner healing work necessary to cure yourself and your relationship. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling habit and into the personal duty necessary to cure your relationship.
by: Calvin Tan
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