An Open Letter To The Cast: From The Audio Tech

Dear Cast of this overhyped film,

Dear Cast of this overhyped film,

You will be happy to know that I have successfully captured all of your lines in crystal clear audio. I have spent countless hours tweaking the sound to get that nasal twang out of the female leads vocals. Dont worry it is not her fault how was she to know that she would be required on set only a few weeks after her nose job? Oh yeah it was defined clearly in her contract that she probably did not read.

But no worries, I am sure my daughter will have plenty of other birthday parties that I will able to be a part of, although I hear that the first one is supposed to be special but I doubt she will remember me not being there (however, my wife is another story).

And please, do not worry about the hundreds of useless hours I have recorded you when you had private conversations while forgetting your microphones were on. I personally do not care that the male leads ex-wife is dating that douche from Jersey Shore, but I imagine she might care that he did not list all of his over sea assets in the divorce papers. Do not worry though, there is almost no chance those audio clips will fall into the wrong hands almost.

Nobody cares that the past her prime supporting female claims that Julie Andrews

once called her voice heavenly. If this was true, I would not have had to work four late nights trying to make you not sound like a dying seagull. After the fiftieth take of you missing the final note, I found myself praying for a Brandon Lee type accident to save me from having to listen to you any longer.

If you could only hear how you sound when you all forget you are plugged in and the mic is hot. I would rather listen to a Paul Reubens special than have to sit through and edit past your trumped accounts of who you slept with and where. Remind me not to visit Sea World, ever again. Calling the director the next Martin Scorsese will get you know where. He has already heard it from every other member of the cast who was hoping for extra screen time or lines and it lost its appeal after the fifth time.

You all might be the ones making the millions and gracing the silver screens across the globe, but dont forget about us. The little guys. The grease in the wheels. Remember the public relations disaster when Christian Bales rant on the set of Terminator: Salvation got leaked? Oops, guess my finger slipped when I was trying to edit that out.

Do not, for a minute, think that any of you have the same pull and could recover from something like that, and dont forget who has all of those conversations, rants, raves, and insults on a laptop ready to email out at any time.

Always Yours,

The Audio Tech

by: Zack Mandell

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