Before You Announce Your Divorce
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house" -- Rod Stewart
Thinking about a divorce, going through a divorce, and coming out of a divorce are stressful times. And since I wrote the book, Thriving After Divorce, which was launched in March, it's been a busy time because people have tons of questions. Radio interviews, print, TV shows, live audiences, and website venues toss out some interesting challenges. They come from places I least expect, like, "How do entrepreneurs view their failures?" I suppose that question arose because I talk about the necessity of reinventing yourself after a divorce. (My answer: "Entrepreneurs don't see challenges that didn't work out as failure.' They see them as bumps in the roadwhether it's a pebble or a boulder. They work through the pain or disappointment, look for what they learned, and move on.") But one recent question about Larry King and his announced divorce and then immediate reconciliation, got me thinking: everyone could use a checklist before they announce a divorce. Not knowing the personal details of the King momentary breakup, I can only give a generic response, but before you tell the world about it, consider the following:
Get some counseling.
Have you done everything possible to work out your issues, from a minimum of five counseling sessions, to prayer and meditation? The very least you want to know before either of you walk away is that you gave the relationship every possible chance to make it.
Take a break.
Anyone contemplating divorce is exhaustedemotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Do not make any major decisions about anything until you get some rest. Best of all would be if you could take a day or two in a quiet, peaceful location where you could clear your head. (Clearing your heart will take more time.)
Get quiet.
There are several ways you want to become quiet. The first is to listen for the messages that are running through your head, such as, "You failed!" and reframe them into, "You did your best. Now, take some time to ask yourself: What did you learn from this so you won't repeat it?" Second, you want to carefully choose whom you talk with about your relationship problems. If you complain about your spouse to your family, and then eventually make up, you may move past the hurts but your family may never forgive your partner.
Share wisely.
You want to find a wise mentor, close and trusted friend, and/or a counselor you can share with. Babbling to everyone within earshot or in the workplace is not a good idea. More than anything else, you will probably just receive a lot of negative opinions, judgments, and cheap advice. Be discerning about whom you choose because you're vulnerable right now.
Tap into the unconditional love.
Now, more than ever, you need your dog or horse or mother. You need sources of energy that love you unconditionally. They don't necessarily need to know the details of what's going on in your life but you need to call your mom (father, brother, sister, cousin, grandparent) and hear that s/he loves you. Get stocked up on hugs.
Connect with your favorite activity.
If your favorite renewing activity is gardening, biking, hiking, painting, or shipbuildingwhatever it isyou need it now. You need to do what feeds you, even if you think you're too tired or busy to do it. We all have certain interests that we can get lost in. Stay away from your addictions that seem to ease your pain, which could be anything from shopping to alcohol. Feeding addictions will make you feel worse and cloud your vision more. You want to be filled with affirming energynot a chemical substance.
Use boundaries.
Your protection against the world is your boundaries. When you understand them and use them effectively you will feel safewith your spouse or anyone else. Don't let well meaning but perhaps misguided people bait you into conversations about your problems. You will regret this later. Draw the line between you and others that says, "I can't discuss that right now." Also pay attention to your own neediness of others and don't cross their boundaries by asking more of them than they can give. Resist the urge to call a friend at 3 am to talk about your fears or anger. Exercise, de-clutter a closet, or keep a journalbut don't impose on friends at unreasonable times or places.
Before you announce your intentions of divorce, take a step back and think about the above. This is how you take care of yourself and the family around you and prepare for the rest of your life.
Before You Announce Your Divorce
By: Tonja Weimer
Thinking of getting married, or worse, divorced. Here is what you stand to lose unprotected Men in Divorce: How they Cope Getting Your Life Back After Divorce The Psychological Impact of Divorce The Effects of Divorce on Couples Benefits of a Pro Se Divorce What to Wear When Appearing in Court for Divorce Step by Step Process of a Divorce Understanding the Temporary Order in Divorce Issues Handled by the Court During a Divorce Other Ways to Settle Issues During Divorce Why the Divorce System Became a Big Moneymaking Industry 4 Reasons Cheating Does Not Have to Lead to Divorce