Can a Marriage Survive After a Spouse Has An Affair? Why I Know That It Can

Can a Marriage Survive After a Spouse Has An Affair

? Why I Know That It Can

Probably one the most common questions that I get on my blog (and one that I asked myself after my husband cheated on me) was "can a marriage really survive after a spouse's cheating." My personal experience and research indicates that the answer is yes.

But, in all fairness I have to disclose that it isn't always easy. It requires some difficult choices, conversations, and allowing yourself to trust when that same trust has been breached. However, the rewards can be great. It's not uncommon for people to tell me that their marriage has actually improved because of all the work they did on their marriage following the affair. This is my experience as well. So, in this article, I'll tell you what I believe needs to happen in order for a marriage to survive after a spouse's affair.

Both Spouses Need To Feel Heard And Understood After The Affair: Affairs are extremely painful and talking about them can be just as painful and even more awkward. It's so tempting to try to move on without having the difficult discussions, but it's important that you don't and that you make the commitment to push forward. If the person who was cheated on doesn't feel that the cheating spouse appreciates and understands their pain, resentment and anger is going to keep bubbling under the surface, ready to explode. If you don't feel heard, it's very difficult to move forward and to eventually let your guard down.

Often, the spouse who cheated is over looked. By no means am I defending the cheating. Their decision was inexcusable and destructive, but if you truly want to save the marriage, it's important that you listen to them. They may have important insights as to why they behaved as they did which can help your marriage in the future. And, it's important that they too feel that they've had the opportunity to explain (although you don't have to understand or excuse them) so that they too can go forward with an open heart that is free from repressed feelings.

Both Spouses Need To Commit To Safe Guarding The Marriage From Future Cheating: If you truly want your marriage to survive an affair, you have to clear the way for the trust and intimacy to return. This just is not possible if either spouse does not really trust the other. In order to return the trust, both people must understand why the affair happened and take the steps needed to keep it from happening again.

Often times, communication, attention, time allotment, and intimacy need to improve. And, there are often dangerous situations and behaviors that are going to need to chance and triggers that need to be removed. Jobs sometimes will need to be changed and moves may need to be made. Friends who are bad influencesmay need to be ditched and over night trips need to stop. Credit card receipts and cell phone records should be shared if that's what the spouse who was cheated on needs to help them to restore the trust.

I believe that the best practice / formula if you really want to save your marriage is more attention, reassurance, and accountability for as long as it takes.

Focus On Moving Forward And Creating Something ThatIs Better Than BeforeRather Than Living In The Past: Healing your marriage after an affair takes time. Forgiveness and trust are not regained over night. Over time, your spouse will begin to notice that you are forthcoming, honest, reassuring, and willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. When this happens, little by little, they will begin to let their guard down, open their heart, and be receptive to you again, but you must be patient and let this occur without your pushing for it.

And, it's so important that you both commit to having fun together and creating new memories rather than relying on stale ones that are now tainted. Because in the best case scenario, the work that you do will reward you with a marriage that is more open, more honest, and is based on new, better commutation skills and intimacy.

Be honest about what you really want and need and ask for it. And address any shortcomings that leave you doubtful and vulnerable. Often, self esteem will need to be restored on the part of both parties. It's OK to be "selfish" and take time for and work on yourself. Because, two emotionally and physically happier people without resentments or trust held back are going to enjoy a happier, more fulfilling marriage than two people who are struggling to make a go of it with doubts and naggingissues in the back of their heads.

Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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