Confessions of a Wannabe Exerciser
I'm a wannabe exerciser
I'm a wannabe exerciser. I just hate to sweat, pant, and ache. I'm a slacker. There, I've said it.
I'm afflicted with "exercise envy." I look at my friends who regularly exercise and envy their motivation. As I drive to work in the mornings, I see young mothers running behind babies who in jogging strollers. I sneer as I think, "who the heck invented a jogging stroller and why?" 42 years ago, when my daughter was born, we just walked with our strollers. Stroller comes from the word "stroll" which according to the dictionary means, "meander, amble, ramble, and saunter." That's more like it. Unfortunately, after 42 years, I still meander, ramble and saunter a little too often. Hence the cellulite on my thighs.
My neighbor Steve, who is in his 50's, recently finished first place in a triathlon. I try to be happy for him, but I'm not. At neighborhood parties he carries his glass of Perrier like some trophy while I'm slurping my 3rd Cosmo. I try to avoid him.
So I tell myself, the time has finally come. I'm going to get serious about starting and sticking with an exercise program. As I gather my research, I find an article entitled "How to get fit and make it fun." Perfect! The person who wrote it was probably a size 4 with 15% body fat. Not exactly someone I can relate to, but she obviously knows more than me. The article seemed simple enough. It listed 4 common sense tips that promised the reader a life of fitness and fun.
Tip 1- Park your car at the far end of the shopping center parking lot and walk that extra distance to your destination.
I am one of those lucky ones who have really good parking karma. From a good four rows away, I can spot the reverse lights of a car as it backing out from the coveted spot right next to the handicap parking. By the time the other cars notice my treasure, I zoom to my prize like a NASCAR driver. So I have to say, while I wholeheartedly agree with Tip 1, my rare parking skill is really hard to give up. I owe it to the higher power who blessed me with it to use it for my greater good.
Tip 2- Take the stairs instead of the elevator.
I work on the 23rd floor of my building. That's a lot of exercise. I didn't even know where our stairwell was. So I went looking for it. In plain site was the sign that made my day "Alarm will sound if door is opened." The elevator gods were obviously looking out for me. No more guilt while gliding up my 23 floors.
Tip 3- Exercise early in the morning before your day gets busy.
I'm not a morning person. I even painted the snooze button on my alarm clock with glow in the dark paint so I can't miss it.
To get myself out of the house, I relied on the advice of my girlfriend Ellen, who is a workout nut. She tells me to pack my car the night before with my work clothes. I do as I am told. I crawl out of bed at 6 AM, and get into my pre-packed car. I'm feeling better already. After my workout and shower, I return to my locker to get dressed for work. I am horrified to see that I forgot to pack my blouse - the blouse that goes with my embarrassingly open suit jacket. I frantically search for a solution. My sweaty t-shirt lays crumpled in the bottom of the locker. I pull it out and the frog from "Senior Frogs, Matzalan, Mexico" emblem is emblazoned on the front of the shirt. I have nothing against frogs but this wasn't the time to display one on my chest. So I put the shirt on backward and go to work with the false confidence that I had just designed the newest fashion trend. So much for exercising early in the morning...
Tip 4- Get an exercise buddy to work out with.
Since my morning workouts were a thing of the past, I made a pact with my friend Eileen to walk every evening after work. We were actually having a lot of fun and our bodies were looking better. Our evening walks started to attract attention. Some of the other neighborhood women asked if they could join us. Pretty soon, we had a herd. Dinner times were being disrupted. Husbands and kids were protesting, but we marched on. Funny thing about large groups - you get a lot of anonymity. When I dropped out after a month, no one noticed. My neighbors still think I'm walking with them. It's the best of all worlds.
So maybe I'm a hopeless case. But at least I'm in good company with other Wannabe Exercisers out there.
Confessions of a Wannabe Exerciser
By: Stephanie Rhodes
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