How Do You Get Your Spouse to Talk About the Affair?
As we all know when it comes to talking, women tend to talk a lot more than a man
. Some experts say that women talk about 50% more then men do on any given day. But, I know that this isn't true in everybody.
My husband and I are the exact opposite of this. I don't say much at all, to anyone and he loves to talk to everyone. Since the affair, I have learned that my not talking had a lot to do with the shape my marriage was in at the time of the affair.
We have learned how to give each other space and respect when we talk to each other and let me tell you this has helped us both so much.
So, how does one get someone who doesn't want to talk about the affair or their feelings to open up? Here are some things I have learned.
1. When you ask them a question, please give them plenty of time to answer. When they give the answer do not tell them why they are wrong. You want to stay away from being judgmental. This makes the other person go on the defensive and they will shut down.
2. When you ask them a question, please give them plenty of time to answer without having to give reasons of why their answer doesn't make any sense.
3. When you ask them a question, let them know that you really want to hear their answer and you do this by not cross examining them when the first answer doesn't line up or it contradicts a previous answer.
4. Let them know that you won't speak a word or interrupt them while they are speaking.
5. Do NOT make faces that come across as judgmental. No eye rolling, don't scrunch up your face, don't lower your head and lift your eyes at them, etc. I'm sure you all know the faces I mean. They need to feel some respect and by doing these things you are allowing them to complete their thought process.
6. Never blow up at them, vent your anger on them, or act in a superior way towards them. This will shut down the conversation faster than anything. Your main goal is to get them talking so do what ever it takes to make that happen.
7. Try giving the questions you have to them in writing.
8. Use phrases like, "Tell me more about that." "What do you think allowed you to do that?" "What was it like for you?" "How did you deal with that." You will get more out of questions like this if you ask them in a very non-judgmental way. Practice if you have to.
9. Avoid any leading questions. These are the ones where you are trying to get them to answer the questions the way YOU think they should. Also, do not make any leading statements. Just ask questions in a way that pulls more out of them, try to get more of the story without leading them where you want them to go.
10. Please allow them plenty of time to think. You may be uncomfortable, but get over it. They are probably getting up the nerve to tell you and are weighing their options on how you may take the answer. Remember, just because they are thinking about how to answer in no way means that they are lying. This is hard for them too.
11. Right now, stay away from the "feeling" questions. Don't ask, "How did you feel about that?" "How did you feel when the other person did that?" "How did you feel when......?" Just stay away from those and most likely, they really weren't thinking about that at the time anyway. All that matters is how they feel NOW.
12. Use wording like, "I was wondering how you see.......?" "I know it's the last think you really want to do, but it would really mean a lot to me if you told me about......"
13. Don't start affair conversations late at night.
14. Set a time limit to these talks and let them know what they are and then stick to it. If you don't then they will not feel safe and shut down on you.
15. Stick with one topic, don't jump all over the place.
16. Remember, if they are still caught up in the affair or they are JUST out of the affair, they probably won't be very rational. They still can be caught up in the affair fog so just hear what they say and if you don't like the answer or think they are lying then try having the talk again another time.
How Do You Get Your Spouse to Talk About the Affair?
By: Marsha Rozalski
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