How To Fix Your Marriage
As you know, Marriage Fitness is not a faith
based program. However, as you probably also
know, I am a person of faith, and I occasionally
use biblical references to try to help you with
your marriage. I believe that everyone can learn
from the Bible, whether they consider it sacred
text or simply ancient classic literature.
In Genesis, in the beginning of the Bible, God
asks Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of
knowledge of good and evil. After being tempted
by the serpent, Adam and Eve disobey God and eat
from the tree.
Yup, they blew it.
And, of course, your spouse blows it sometimes
too.
But we can learn a lot about how to conduct
ourselves in our marriage when our spouse blows
it by how God treats Adam and Eve after their
blunder. You know what He does? He realizes what
they need and He gives it to them.
After Adam and Eve disobey God they realize
they're naked and they feel embarrassed. God sees
that they're embarrassed so he gives them
clothing.
He gives them clothing? Shouldn't He let them
suffer the consequences of their choice? Isn't He
condoning their behavior by continuing to care
for them? Let them be embarrassed, right?
No.
Love gives. Period. It's not complicated. And
that's what makes it so hard.
Loving someone means taking care of them, giving
them what they need, whether they deserve it or
not. In fact, it's that kind of unconditional
giving and caring that prevents a single mistake
in a marriage from spiraling out of control and
leading to more mistakes.
You see, usually, when one spouse blows it, the
other spouse uses that as justification to blow
it themselves. Of course, that only makes matters
worse.
But imagine if every time your spouse made a
mistake you tended to their need that was created
by that mistake.
For example, let's say you ask your spouse not to
leave the sewing box at the top of the basement
steps because if it gets knocked down it'll empty
and make a big mess. They ignore you and do it
anyway. And, in fact, your dog knocks the sewing
box down the basement steps and it makes a huge
mess.
What does your spouse need now?
Your spouse would need 2 things, I think:
1. Help cleaning up the sewing box pieces.
2. Relief from feeling stupid and wrong.
Normally, most spouses would say "I told you not
to"... and leave their spouse to clean up the mess
themselves; essentially allowing them to suffer
the practical and emotional consequences of their
mistake. This, of course, makes matters worse
between husband and wife, and begins the downward
spiral.
But why not be more like God was with Adam and
Eve. It's true your spouse blew it, but that
created needs which you can now fulfill. You
might say to your spouse, "I told that dog to
stay away from the sewing box" (shifting the
blame to the dog and relieving their emotional
guilt). And then you might help them with the
clean up (relieving their practical burden).
There's no doubt that giving your spouse what
they need in the face of their mistake is a
difficult choice for you to make, but consider
the difference it would make in your marriage.
So, here's what you can do to fix your marriage
this week: When your spouse makes their next mistake
(that won't take more than a week, right?),
instead of letting them suffer the consequences
of their choice, ease their pain. Whatever need
your spouse might have as a result of their
mistake, take care of it. Basically, be like God.
I know it's a tall task, but you can do it! And it'll
make a heavens worth of difference in your marriage.
Have a good week.
Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness
by: Mort Fertel
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