Making Your Marriage Work After Your Husband Had An Affair
Making Your Marriage Work After Your Husband Had An Affair
I often receive emails from both husbands and wives (no matter who was the one doing the cheating) asking if it's possible to make a marriage work after an affair and if so, how to best go about doing it.Many don't initially believe mewhenI say that it's not only possible, but it's more commonthan you might think, andI havemany former readers tell me that their marriage is actually stronger after the affair. Now, this doesn't happen magically and you must have patience and be willing to put in the workto reestablish the bondand trust, but the rewards can be worth it. I'lldiscuss the steps in making a marriage work aftercheating has weakenedit in the following article.
Don't DownplayThe AffairOr Deny Your True Feelings: It's very common for both spouses to want to put the nightmare of an affair behind them. Living with the anger, uncertainty and betrayal is difficult, so it's very tempting to make a decision to just get overthis as quickly as possible. I understand why this can feel right. But, although this is a very common reaction, it's often abig mistake.
The problem here is that it's truly impossible to reconcile what you're feeling that quickly. You need time to process and analyze what has happened and to understand and deal with how you're really feeling so that you can correctly address it. If you don't do this, you're going to be confused and frustrated by the anger that keeps coming out at weird times. Suddenly, the things you used to love about your cheating spouse are going to annoy you and bring about serious resentment. Suddenly, he can do no right in your eyes and, no matter what he does, it's not good enough.
Of course, he's not going to take too kindly to your negative vibes that never seem to go away, so what you get is a cycle of anger, resentment, and words that you've not allowed yourself to say. This is really just ensuring that you never really heal. I know that Dr. Phil's saying "you've got to name it to claim it" can sound corny, but it's true. You have to address the things that cause you pain so that you can banish them once and for all. Believe me, ignoring it is not going to make it go away.
Identify The Danger Zones That Lead To The Affair And Banish Them: Every person who has been cheated on has one biggest fear the fear that their partner will cheat again. This more than anything else is the reason that couples can not make their marriages work following an affair. They just can not regain the trust and so the partner who was cheated on is always suspicious and always has their guard up. This kind of detachment can keep your marriage from becoming whole and intimate again.
It really isa catch 22. In order for the marriage to work, you need to be able to trust him again. But, how can you do this when he has already proven himself to be untrustworthy and has already betrayed you? This is the million dollar question, but millions of couples are able to successfully address this and heal.
The only real way to do this is to identify what left youvulnerable and to fix it. Did the cheater feel unloved andmisunderstood? Did the marriage lack intimacy? Werethose business trips justtoo tempting? Did the badinfluencefriend leadyour husband astray?Doesthe job require too much togetherness?
Once you've identified what these triggers are, you must get rid of them. This way, you're secure in the fact that you don't need to worry about them.Do not be shy about telling your partner straight out that this has to happen for you to feel secure. Don'tfeel guilty and don't be embarrassedor apologetic. It's simply astatement that you need to make.
If you're still suspicious and need to check him up on him, (reading emails, checking cell phones,)bevery upfront about it. Don't sneak around and makehim defensive. Tell him right up front that you just need this crutch for a little while until you're convinced that the trust canbe restored. Now, obviously, you can't keep up this behavior indefinitely. At some point, you're going to have to take a deep breath and trust, but before this happens, make sure you've gotten what you need to be comfortable with this.
Give Yourself Something To Eventually Look Forward To: The biggest mistake that I see people make is that they go about restoring their marriages like it is drudgery or punishment. The attitude is something like: "I caught him and now the best that I can hope for is to just limp along like this for the rest of my life. I want to save the marriage, but I know that it is going to be no picnic. In essence, I know that we're both settling."
In truth, you've already sentenced yourself to an unfulfilling life and marriage before you've even made the first step. Don't sell yourself short this way. I can not tell you how many marriages that I've seen actually improve when this is handled correctly. The key is to use this as a spring board for improved communication, intimacy, negotiating skills, and as a new standard for complete honesty and accountability.
Your real goal is for your new marriage to look nothing like the old one, and to have none of the closet problems that plagued it. You want to work together to create something new and better, something that is much more intimate, upfront, fulfilling and built upon complete honesty rather than a denial or a just gritting your teeth and soldiering on.
And, you can use this as the gentle little nudge you need to work on yourself and to heal those insecurities that were there before this ever happened. Sure, the affair brought them to every one's attention, but often they were there all along. Turn a negative into a positive and don't allow them to keep plaguing you. Work on your self confidence and the ability to love and accept yourself. Nothing is as sexy and attractive as confidence. And, it's the only way to ensure that your spouse doesn't always see you as the innocent victim. You don't want their pity. You want something else entirely.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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