Online Dating for Women - Brave New Profile, Brave New Women

Online Dating for Women - Brave New Profile, Brave New Women

Copyright (c) 2011 Dirk SayersAs the world of online dating has evolved, the natural result has been for the clever to get cleverer and the frustrated to become more frustrated. I read an article a while back that suggested that writers of profiles are now commoditizing themselves shamelessly...not to mention being more than a little creative with the truth. The author suggested that it would soon mean the demise of online dating (or meeting) as I prefer to call it. He ( it was a guy) even suggested that because of the longevity of online profiles, it was possible that the information in your profile might come back to haunt you. Well, that's one opinion and it's worth bearing in mind, for anyone seeking to meet someone online. Everyone has their opinion, of course. I do not exclude myself in that observation and my opinion is that online connections are here to stay; at least until someone comes up with something better. There are just too many great reasons to use them, especially for women. Unquestionably, there is a measure of inflation in online meeting, specifically as it relates to self-representation. It would nonsense to suggest there isn't and I am not (I hope) nonsensical. That disclaimer out, let's get very clear. The best profiles are best for a reason and that reason will always be an outgrowth of the profile accurately predicting whether he or she is a good fit for the reader. For that reason, anyone whose profile is too good to be true has defeated its purpose. It's a little like responding in a job interview to the dreaded question "what is your greatest weakness?" with an answer that is a variation on the theme of "I don't have any." It's just not believable.As important to the question of creative self-representation online might be: is it more common in online meeting than it is in any other medium used for meeting? More than one study has sought to discover that very thing, among others and interestingly enough the tentative answer to t he question is...Uhhh...well, not really! Seriously, the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships published a study last year that addressed that very thing and what it found was that while both men and women who used online meeting as a means of connection did indeed color the truth to create the most favorable impression (strategic misrepresentation, the study called it) there were finite limits to those misrepresentations if the individual actually intended to meet. In other words, they stretched only the truths they thought they might be able to "get away" with. Drs. Hall, Park, Song and Cody confirmed earlier research by Walther (1996) and both Ellison & Gibbs in (2006):"It should be noted, however, that online dating services...often channel initial online relationships into FtF (face-to-face) meetings. Thus, the anticipation of future FtF interaction (Walther, 1996) inherent to most online dating services discourages users from obvious and blatant deception."Readers of my book or of my blog know that I advocate as near-perfect accuracy as possible both in initial communication (via the profile and profile essay) and subsequent email and phone communication. There are two reasons for this. First, as suggested from the quote above, it can come back to haunt you later. The other much more important reason is that we become the decisions we make. Self-representation in profiles and in communications leading up to meeting are in fact decisions. The more we permit ourselves to depart from accuracy at the outset, the harder it may become to be factual/truthful and most importantly, to have the courage to tell the truth when relationship issues must be faced later.A spin-off benefit of honesty is you have a better chance of under-promising and over-delivering. Imagine your hypothetical new love being pleasantly surprised as you prove to be even better than he expected! It works, by the way...I should add, eventually. It was admittedly, a long journey, made more so by my frequent breaks from dating to "get over" one disappointment or another. But I can attest from personal experience that over the long pull, accuracy will not keep you from having plenty of dates or opportunities for relationships. The sheer numbers of men and women out there are such that ample opportunity is there. that are rewarding and/or with the potential for being enduring.But if there really is inflation in the online dating/meeting world, how do you stand out? It's a fair question, with an (almost) laughably simple answer. It gets down to three things, once you dismiss the myth of scarcity. It's about: 1. Approachability (that you will be glad to hear from him)

2. A welcoming openness in your photo(s) remember when Mom told you to smile?

3. And (in the second decade of the 21st Century, taking the initiative. It isn't just up to him to find you, anymore. You are after all, "his" equal, right? Just checking...

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