Questions To Ask Yourself To Determine If Your Marriage Can Be Saved
Questions To Ask Yourself To Determine If Your Marriage Can Be Saved
This is probably one of the most common questions that I hear. I'm often contacted by folks who are at a cross roads in their marriage. Often, they really do want to save the marriage, but they often doubt that this is possible. Sometimes, the folks writing are struggling with infidelity. Other times, they suspect that one or both of them have "fallen out of love" or have grown apart. In other instances, there is a stressor in the marriage like financial issues, a sick family member, or some other crisis.
In my experience, I feel that most marriages can be saved. It isn't always easy and it often requires for you to try new tactics and strategies. However, if even one person is willing to step outside of their comfort zone and be the one taking the initiative, it's my experience that even seemingly "hopeless" marriages turn around. The exception to this would be in cases of abuse or where one partner is just emotionally or physically detrimental to another.
In the following article, I've crafted a quiz of five questions that often come up when I dialogue with folks on this topic. The desired and best answers to the quiz should hopefully be pretty obvious.
Question # 1: Are You Willing And Able To Try To Save Your Marriage On Your Own If Your Spouse Is Reluctant At First?: The answer to this is a very important one. Often, both parties are not equally on board with this process. Sometimes, one person has come to believe that nothing is ever going to change. As a result, the reluctant spouse might become distant, cold, and uninvolved. People will often sit and wait for their partner to come around. This day may never come. Often, one person will need to be the one to take the initiative and to begin to make the changes. This may feel lonely at first. But often, it's a necessary first step because it allows for the reluctant spouse seeing that things really can change. And it's often only then that the reluctant spouse begins to work with you rather than against you.
Question #2: Are You Willing To Be Flexible With Your Perceptions And Your Behaviors?: I often tell people: "if you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always gotten." If the culture in your marriage is one that makes you unhappy, then you have to be willing to look at it with fresh eyes and a very open heart. And once you're able to identify those things that are thwarting your happiness, you need to be willing to discard those things and let them go.
People sometimes get very caught up in the "shoulds" or in the traditional beliefs that you've sort of inherited but which don't really work for you. There are no right and wrong answers here. The "right" answer is the one that works for your marriage and ensures the happiness of both spouses that live within it. To save your marriage, you sometimes need to be willing to give up or abandon habits that have become commonplace but don't serve any real purpose other than the frustrate one or both of you.
Question #3: Are You Willing To Be Flexible In When You Start The Individual Steps That Will Save Your Marriage?: If you asked ten couples the steps that it takes to save their marriage, I'd be willing to bet that at least eight of them would say that they have to identify and then work very hard on their problems. This is partly right. You will need to do this. But very often, people attempt this when both of them are doubtful that it's really going to work. They often try this when one or both people are cold and distant.
This doesn't give you the best chance of success. In my experience, it's often better to take the big problems off of the table, at least until you can bond and reconnect somewhat. If you can change the atmosphere to one that is light hearted and somewhat fun, both people are often going to be willing to give a little more and be willing to open their hearts to see what happens.
These changes in attitude can make all of the difference. If one or both people are only sort of grudgingly complying and their hearts aren't really into it, you're likely going to get compromised results. But if you can first restore some of the positive feelings, you will often be pleasantly surprised at the results.
Question 4: Are You Willing To Stop Keeping Score And To Stop Clinging So Tightly To Who Is Wrong And Who IS Right?: The biggest detriment to a marriage, at least in my opinion, is indifference. However, a close second would be when the spouses are indignant. I so often have people who tell me that they aren't going to be the one to take the initiative because (and I'm paraphrasing here:) "I'm not going to be the one who does all the work and who makes all the changes. This isn't fair. He doesn't care. So why should I?"
Although you may be justified in this kind of thinking, this isn't going to help you save your marriage. Sometimes, you have to put being right on the back burner and worry instead about being happy. I often see people cling so very tightly to being right and to keeping score, that their firm and choking grip is jeopardizing their marriage. Sometimes, you have to call and truce and realize that you'd rather give a little and compromise and be happy than to be right but alone.
Question 5: Are You Indifferent In Your Marriage?: This is one of the most important questions that you can ask yourself. People often tell me that they fight with and say really nasty things to their spouses. They worry that the drama in the relationship will eventually end it. Although negative emotions aren't what you always want to see, they at least mean that the two people still are feeling something.
I'm generally more worried when I see folks who feel absolutely nothing. When there is no anger, no fear, and no curiosity, then the work will generally be harder. I suspect that you're not indifferent. The fact that you're reading this article demonstrates that you're still invested enough to research the options and the possibilities.
There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at it's end. My husband was distant and withdrawn and eventually suggested a divorce. I resented this for a long time. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
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