Saving It: Fixing a broken relationship

Your relationship has crashed and burned. And yet you want to get it back.

Here are some things to consider.

Do you BOTH want to make it work?

It is one thing for you to want to make the relationship work. But if both parties are not committed to saving the relationship it may be a futile effort.

Do you know what went wrong, I mean really went wrong?

Perhaps the hardest part of reconciliation is knowing why there was a problem. The fights are symptoms of an unhappy relationship. They are usually not the root of the problem. We often fight about the small issues because we are afraid to discuss the major ones. You are not breaking up because he leaves his socks in the bathroom. So, what is causing stress in the relationship? The experts will tell you most of the most common areas of contention are communication, money and sex. But I believe the reasons relationships fail are loss of trust, unmet emotional needs and unreasonable demands and expectations. Are there trust issues and why? Are all the emotional needs being met, if not which ones and why? Are there unreasonable demands and expectations, what are they?

Are you both prepared to honestly and calmly discuss those issues?

Are you prepared to bring up those things that really bother you, in a calm, thoughtful manner? Are you ready to hear what is bothering your partner? Can you at least entertain that you may be at least partially to blame? Almost never is it a one sided problem. Sure your partner is jealous but are you giving them reasons? Remember to discuss these issues calmly and thoughtfully. Your partner may have real reasons to feel the way they do. Don't accuse your partner but express how you feel. Name calling is going to be counter productive. A sentence like; "When you call your ex girl friend every day it makes me feel insecure in our relationship." Is much better than "Stop calling that bitch!". "Honey, I love you but I am really not comfortable doing that." works so much better than, "No way in hell!",

Are you both ready and able to change?

Once the issues are understood by both of you, are you ready and able to make the necessary changes to save the relationship? Just knowing that your partner is concerned is not going to save the relationship. Most likely you will both have to compromise. There are always some give and some take and lots off grey areas in a relationship. Both of you will need to think of your partners feelings and needs. For some people change is not an easy thing but honest effort will be needed.

A final thought. If the real issue is abuse, leave!

Saving It: Fixing a broken relationship

By: Tom Blair

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