Self Care When Breaking Up During The Holidays
The holidays are such a magical time, yet this year you are facing stress in your relationship that may lead to divorce or breakup
. It seemed like a good idea to wait until afterward to make the split but now, hanging in there during the actual season seems daunting. How can you remain centered and loving while your heart is breaking?
If you are planning to make this your last holiday with your marriage, relationship and/or family intact, here are some things you can do to make the most of this time and to move yourself gently and constructively through the holiday "process".
As the Hippocratic Oath says: "First, do no harm". You've already decided where you're headed so make this time one of transition rather than destruction.
If there is a propensity in your relationship to physical or psychological violence, if there is alcohol or drug abuse, if your issues are powder kegs and there is plenty of fighting yet to be done, if you are holding on to each other with your disputes, if there are children who will be harmed by how you and your spouse will behave during this time, then split now. The flip side of the holidays is that negative feelings are enhanced and this is not the time to have to manage enhanced physical or psychological danger.
If that's not possible, spend as much time apart as possible and spend little or no time in combustive situations (Christmas parties with lots of alcohol, volatile in-law encounters which are a strain in the best of times e.g.).
Ask yourself, "ideally, how would I like this holiday season to be, how would I like to remember it, how could I get the most out of this time given the transitions I am facing?" One or all of these questions will cause you to flash a mental image. Grab what comes to mind and build on it. Go deep into that picture and use that as the guideline for how you will structure your holiday activities.
Limit your schedule, cut back on the holiday or other chores. Be gentle on everyone especially your children and yourself. Seek out those things that nurture your children and yourself. Some things just lighten one's mood. Perhaps music, decorations or holiday cooking. Know and do those things that feed your soul. Don't "force" yourself to do anything now with the exception of things that support your children or other loved ones. If your child is in the school's holiday pageant, maybe singing a solo etc. Rise to those occasions. Measure what you would later regret and balance that against those things that push you into despair.
At the same time do structure your time. Have a plan of what you want and need to do so there is a sense of purpose and forward motion. If you don't feel like doing the schedule then pull back but keep a schedule full of nurturing and pleasant activities. Allow generously for reflection, rest and relaxation. Add to that as needed. If the time comes and you just don't feel like doing it then don't force yourself. But don't just pull the covers over your head - have a plan and a purpose.
Do Christmas cards make you feel overwhelmed or, do they give you a chance to reach out to (and remind yourself of) all your wonderful friends (think support system)? Haven't you ignored them while the negative aspects of your primary relationship have consumed all your recent time, attention and energies? It's up to you where you want to extend yourself at this time.
My father (facing divorce in middle age) sent a Christmas card to an old friend he hadn't seen in more than a decade and, as it turned out, they were married by the next Labor Day and enjoyed a 32-year marriage lasting until the end of their lives. Endings are beginnings too.
by: Diane DePould
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