Signs That You And Your Husband Are Drifting Apart
Over the weekend, Ireceived an email from a wife who said that she could feel her she and husband drifting apart from one another
. She had mentioned this to her husband, but he did not feel that anything was really wrong. He assured her that they had just been together for a while and that it was unrealistic to expect to still be acting like teenagers or couples who were newly dating. After she continued to mention this, he became defensive and angry and told her that she was creating problems that didn't exist.
Turns out that the wife had already thought of this explanation herself, but despite the fact that she wanted to, she just didn't and couldn't buy it. Things just felt differently to her enough so that she was worried about it on a frequent basis. She strongly felt that if she did not address this, the problem would only get worse and she would eventually wake up one day in a very troubled marriage. She asked me if I could share "some signs of a marriage that is drifting apart" to make sure that she wasn't imagining things and she wondered whether I could offer tips on how to become closer as a couple so that she was addressing this problem head on.
What You Tend To Notice First When The Marriage Starts Drifting Apart: Men will typically notice physical affection and physical intimacy being affected, but this is often not what women notice first. Wives will typically notice a lack of communication. They will notice that he is just not listening and just does not seem nearly as interested. They will also notice that the feelings ofbeing close and cared forhave started to wane.
Sure, as the two of you haveto turn your attention to yourcareers or raising your family, you can't just sit there andstare lovingly into each other'seyes all day. But, there should still be an unspoken vibe that tells you that he's in tune with you and that thesame is true for you. He should still be interested in what you have to say and what you're experiencing in your life. When you are drifting apart, you will often notice that he's just not as in tune or invested in what you have to say or what is going on with you. He's much more self absorbed or interested in folks who are not you.
Going Through The Motions As Roommates Rather Than As A Married Couple:It's very clich to say that when you are drifting apart, the sex is the first to go, but many times, this is quite accurate. More than the sex though, you will notice that the little gestures that let you know that he's "into you" or that he desires you aren't there. I'm talking about the hand holding, the shoulder and back rubs, the chin cup, and other similar things. Sometimes when Imention this, wives will tell me that this is just not their husband's personality and this may well be true. But,ask yourself if the little physical gestures are much less than you experienced when you were dating or newly married.
True, no one can expect to have the exact same intensity. But, if you are deeply and emotionally connected, then it would be almost automatic for him to reach out to you both physically and emotionally. Wives will frequently tell me that it's as if they are nowtheir husband's room materather than lover. They may talk about the kids ortheir jobs, but many times they hear the fork hitting the plate at dinner. The give and take ofconversation lags which is in start contrast to the couple that would burn up the phone line for hours on end.
The TimeThat You Both Put In Is Lacking:Manywives tell me thatwhen their husbands were "into them" they would want them to come along on errandsor to events that were "nothing special." The two of them could make a fun event out of picking up paint or buying groceries. But now, both of you will typically go about these things alone. The time that you spend together enjoying one another's company is seriously lagging in comparison.
The good news is that if you are seeing any of these signs, you really can fix this. Often, just admitting this is the first step toward mending it. Your husband may not agree and that's just fine. Because you can take matters into your own hands here. When you were dating, the relationship strengthened because you spent light hearted, low pressure times together having fun and bonding. And yes, you had less pressure and commitments then. But the formula is really so simple. It is: quality time in equals quality feelings out. The catch here is that once you stop putting the time in, the feelings will follow and then start to wane.
When this happens, you have to focus targeted attention and time toward it. You don't need to tell your husband that you are doing this. If you want more affection from him, start by turning your attention toward giving it to him. If you want for him to communicate more, start by doing more talking yourself. Yes, you might be taking the initiative at first, but eventually as things return to where you want them to go, he's very likely to begin to follow your lead.
Unfortunately for me, I ignored the little voice that told me that my marriage was in trouble until it was almost too late. I just told myself that we were "comfortable" rather than accepting that we were growing apart. This almost cost me my marriage. Luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com.
Signs That You And Your Husband Are Drifting Apart
By: Leslie Cane
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