Stand Up For Yourself and Live the Life You Want
Stand Up For Yourself and Live the Life You Want
It's common in this age of Self Help to hear terms such as low self esteem', lack of self confidence', and assertiveness' banded around. But what do they all really mean? How do you know if your self esteem is too low, or your confidence is less than it should be, or how assertive you can be before you are just plain aggressive? It's a bit of a minefield, and there are no clear measurements, except this really simple one:
Are you happy?
Do you feel fulfilled, content, listened to, loved? Are the people in your life supportive, keeping your best interests at heart?
Or do you feel a strong sense that things just aren't quite right? That the people in your life seem to do a lot of taking while you do all the giving? Do you find yourself in relationships over and over again where you feel taken advantage of? Are you unhappy with the way things are, but aren't quite sure what's wrong?
It's quite common for people to feel like this at some points in their lives, however, if it's an ongoing scenario, the story of your life, then it could well be pointing to low self esteem and a lack of confidence and assertiveness.
Let me explain. If you have low self esteem, you don't value yourself very much. You have an innate sense that everyone else is more important than you. Their happiness and desires are more important than yours. You may not think this consciously, but through your behaviour, it is apparent, because you always let other people make the decisions, decide what's best, dictate how things should be. If you believed in yourself, and were confident enough to assert yourself, you'd stand up and say, 'No, I don't want to do that'. But instead you say, 'I don't mind, whatever you want.' Sound familiar?
So often in life, we end up living our lives based on what others want, because we haven't got the confidence and self belief to say 'No'. Maybe our parents expect us to live a certain life, maybe our partners would feel insecure if we changed, maybe our friends expect us to be around to solve their problems. And so we continue to live a life based on keeping them happy.
Now, of course, if you have responsibilities, it is important to honour them. This is not about abandoning areas of your life that you have committed yourself to. What this is about is standing up for yourself, putting yourself first, considering your own needs and being brave. It's a common phenomenon that people like to put you in a box, give you a role, and if you don't perform as they expect, they react - maybe they get moody, maybe they get angry, but you can bet they'll make you feel bad for daring to upset their reality.
What you must remember is, if you do have people in your life who make you feel like you have a role to perform ever-supporting partner, agony aunt friend, successful offspring and they make you feel guilty if you don't perform, then who's needs are they considering? Their Own!
And if you are considering their needs, and they are considering their needs, then who's looking after you? This is how you get stuck in a cycle of not living the life you want: you live to please everyone else, but no one is pleasing you.
Let's look at some of the reasons why you might fall into this trap, and what you can do about it:
You have been raised to believe that thinking of yourself is selfish
Thinking of yourself is not selfish; thinking only of yourself, to the detriment of others, is selfish. Remember, we are talking about adults here, people who can take care of themselves. Don't let anyone make feel like you have a responsibility to make them happy. That is their responsibility. Putting your happiness as a priority is not being selfish.
You don't have the confidence to stand up and say no'
There is no easy way around this one. If you find you are suffering in life because you are too afraid to stand up for yourself, you need to do something about it.
There are many useful methods you can employ to help with this, such as rehearsing the conversation beforehand, being clear about what you want and why, and remaining calm. Or start small, be more assertive in less important areas of your life, and build up your confidence slowly.
But the crux of this is that you are afraid to say no' to someone. Why? Are you afraid that they won't like you anymore? This is a risk, or course, but in your heart of hearts, you know that someone who rejects you because you stand up for yourself is not someone you need in your life. Anyone worth having in your life will respect you for standing up for yourself.
You hate confrontation and want to keep the peace
If you can't trust someone to have a reasonable, grown up conversation without it breaking into an argument, you should consider just how healthy this relationship is. A healthy, loving relationship should allow both parties to communicate openly without fear of aggression or manipulation. However, that's not to say that these confrontational relationships don't exist. If you find yourself having to manage a situation with some like this, then try to remain logical, reasonable and calm. It's hard to argue with someone who keeps a cool head.
A great tactic to diffuse an argument is to keep telling the other person that they are right. If you do this, there is no counter argument, and they quickly run out of things to shout. Try it, it works so well it's even kind of fun.
You feel that other people's happiness is more important than your own
This one is difficult, as on the surface, it makes a person look decent and caring. And of course this may be true. But there is something inherently wrong if you think that your happiness is not as important as someone else's. If this is the case, think long and hard about why you feel that way, and be on the lookout for excuses to justify your behaviour:
"I'm just really laid back" - This could also be viewed as being a pushover
"I really don't mind where we eat/go/holiday/live" - It can start small, but in the end could find yourself compromising on very big decisions
"I want to see the people I love being happy" - Admirable, just make sure they are returning the favour
If you find you are constantly in situations where you give in to what others want, then you are not valuing yourself enough. And the hard part to swallow is, neither is anyone else. Unless you stand up for yourself and live the life you want, no one else is going to do it for you.
Final Thought Remember, you can't change other people in your life, but you can change yourself. You can change your reactions, who you chose to spend time with and what you allow to happen.
If you want more help with self esteem, confidence or assertiveness issues, a Life Coach can help you to work out what your issues are and how you can overcome them. They will also keep you accountable, so that if you start to slip back into old habits, there is someone there to keep you moving forward. And more importantly, there is someone there who is always on your side.
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