We are as we are. Or?
We are as we are
We are as we are. Or?
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We are as we are, so what's the point of dreaming about living or looking better? If we repeat and believe this statement, then we will certainly remain as we are. On one side, maintaining this belief will give us the stability and comfort of knowing our lives won't change, but if we really have dreams of living better, this belief will block the chances of achieving that. So, how come some of us have this belief and is there a way to change it?
From an early age we are continually confronted by a wide variety of learning experiences, which combine to gradually form us into the unique' individual we are today. The beliefs that control and direct the way we act, behave, and live have had a long time to form; so is it reasonable to think these could be different tomorrow?
Beliefs operate at several levels, and all around us in society there are many such cultural, religious and political beliefs, which have grown over centuries and do slowly change within strict confines over time.
But we are looking at individual beliefs that are formed by our own experiences, which in turn cause us to act as if they are true. In this way they create new experiences, which simply confirm and strengthen that belief further. Of course many of our beliefs should be encouraged as they are good, and, perhaps, make us act as good caring individuals, but others can act as a block to us living the life we dream of.
The easiest of these blockers to recognize are those that cause us to say I can't do that', It'll never work' or I couldn't do that'. Whether the can't, never or couldn't' relates to eating habits, exercise, public speaking, socialising or whatever, this is a belief that limits and restricts us to continue being as we are'.
Coaching is all about now and the future, and doesn't delve deeply into why these particular beliefs developed. The focus of coaching is to help you understand what your true goals are, and then help you to achieve that result by identifying and replacing blocking beliefs with I can' and I will'.
A client of mine, let's call him Michael, was customer manager in a company that had recently been bought over by a larger competitor. Michael had previously worked independently, but the takeover had changed things, and many others were now involved in delivering products and services to his customer. He felt he had lost that control he used to have, and he was stepping back from contact with the customer. Customer complaints were growing and he didn't know how to handle this. He felt he was under immense pressure and was considering looking for a new job.
We talked a lot around the problems until we were both aware of and understood the situation as it was today. It was clearly a problem that wasn't going to go away so I asked,
"What could you do to solve this customer problem?"
Michael, "I should talk to the customer I suppose."
"What is stopping you?" I challenged.
Michael slowly started to relate that he felt insecure about calling the customer, because he felt he might be "stepping on others toes" and as he said this, I could hear his breathing was getting faster. There was clearly some belief' grounded into him causing this, so I asked some more questions to explore this. It transpired that his father had been an "authoritarian perfectionist" (Michael's words). Any time he did anything on his own it was always wrong and his father had finished the scolding by telling him to "stop standing on my toes."
As a coach my role was to help Michael see this belief was blocking his role in the company where he was expected to be active in dealing with customer issues. He was sounding stressed, so I changed the conversation by asking,
"What makes you feel really happy and relaxed?"
The reply was immediate, as was the change in his mood as he told me of his love of fishing in the lake beside his country house. When I asked him to describe it he told me the best was in winter, when he was fishing through the ice on a brilliant sunny but cold day. Total silence and beautiful and, of course, the odd shot of vodka helped keep him warm.
I asked Michael, if he could keep this picture in his mind when he dialled the customer's number to have a chat, just a quick chat for starters.
Michael agreed that he would do this and then afterwards would call his new boss just to tell him how the situation was.
A few weeks later we talked again, and I could immediately hear in Michael's voice that things were better. It seemed the customer had been happy to hear from him; and the problem was something Michael sorted out in a few days. His boss had said, "Well done"; the customer was happy, and no one had screamed in pain because he had stood on their toes.
"So Michael, what will you do in the future?"
Michael, "I will call the customer regularly so that if there are any problems coming up I can deal with them before they grow too big."
"How will you keep that picture of you fishing on the ice every time you call?", I asked.
Michael, "That's easy I got my wife to take a photo of me, and I have it on my desk by the phone."
Michael's belief that he would step on others toes had obviously raised itself when he was feeling a little insecure when he was now working in a larger company with a new boss and colleagues. He needed to let that belief go to do his job, and he knew that, but still it stopped him. Once the realisation of what it was hit him, and we changed his mental state from fear to the happy feeling from fishing, he could make that step to call the customer.
The coaching role was to get Michael to understand himself that his belief was blocking what he knew he needed to do. He changed his mental state and made that first step of simply calling the customer. He continued with these steps until the problem dissolved itself.
Self Coaching Exercise.
1. Think of something you would like to achieve, but where you say "I can't or couldn't do that". Write it down in along with all the reasons why you don't think you can do it.
2. Now imagine that it had happened all by itself. Write a description of how you would feel and look on realising this achievement.
3. Now lean back in your chair and think of someone you know who has achieved this. Write down what you think enabled them to achieve this.
4. Read again what you wrote in 1 above and write down on a new page, what steps would you take if you could do it?'
5. Read the list in 4 and write down one achievable step you will take.
By: Ken CoeyWe are as we are. Or?By: Elena