When You Want To Save The Marriage But Your Husband Has Left
When You Want To Save The Marriage But Your Husband Has Left
I often emails from spouses who are now at their house alone because their spouse has recently decided to leave the home and potentially the marriage. They don't know where to turn or how to start, but they do know that they do not just want to accept this. They do not want to give up their marriage gracefully or to just accept things as they are. They very much want to save the marriage, but they don't know how to do that when they are no longer living under the same roof as their spouse.
I'm here to tell you that you don't have to give up and that saving your marriage after your spouse has left is not at all impossible. Often though, you'll have to play the game to win. You may have to change the way that you've been handling and responding to things, which I will discuss in the following article.
Don't Appear Or Act Desperate After YourHusband Has Left: I know that you are probably reeling right now. And I know that you fear if you don't make a move now or do something quite drastic soon, they might be gone for good. But, it's so important to take a deep breath and evaluate things from a place of calm. Because often, the desperation that you feel is not what you should act on.
Someone who is hanging on by a thread and who is coming off as out of control, not able to cope, and without the confidence to cope as best they can, is usually going to elicit negative responses and perceptions. And unfortunately, these things can do more harm than good and can contribute to your spouse wanting to stay away just that much more.
Yes, it might require some acting on your part to not give in to these temptations and act on the fears that you feel. But you must do the very best that you can to resist showing your hand. Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed. What if you wanted some time to think and your spouse was bombarding you with pleas, arguments, and drama that wasn't going to bring about any real change? You'd likely only think that you'd made the right choice to escape that, right? Always try to remember this. You may know how you really feel, but you want to control how much of this you're letting them see.
Hyper Focus On Those Things You Can Control. Trust That The Rest Will Fall Into Place: It's so important to understand that you can not control how your spouse is feeling. All of the arguing, debating, and begging in the world is not going to allow you to control their mind, their feelings, or how they are perceiving things. Trying to do these impossible things is a waste of precious time and efforts.
So, you are better off controlling what you can. The person who is most within your control is yourself. No, you can't control your feelings and emotions either. But, you can control how you react to these things and in how you portray yourself. You do have more control than you think. You will just have to focus on it to gain mastery over it.
And the good news is that if you are successful over controlling yourself and in portraying exactly who you want your spouse to see, then this will likely greatly improve your situation over time. Sure, you can't control what your spouse is feeling. But if you set up the situations that are most likely to change their perceptions, then their feelings might just follow suit eventually.
Showing YourHusband That The Marriage And Your Interactions Can Change For The Better: People sometimes email me in the days and weeks after the spouse has left and tell me that they are afraid that they won't see or hear from them. This rarely happens. It might not happen quickly, but there will usually come a time when they need to retrieve something or talk to you on some mutual topic like your kids or your assets.
You have to make the absolute most of these situations. You have to portray someone who is focusing on the positive and who is the same person that your spouse once used to love very much. You have to let him know that, at the end of the day, you want for the both of you to be happy and to interact in the way that you used to. Since you can't possibly know how all of this is going to turn out, all you can do is give him this time and try to improve your interactions. If you are successful with this, he will usually begin to doubt his position.
If you play this correctly, you should show him that you're on his side and that he doesn't need to avoid you or keep his distance. If you can convince him that you want to help him get what he wants and that you're or the marriage are not hopeless are undesirable, you're usually off to a good start. But in the meantime, it's vital that you get control over your emotions so that you can start changing his perceptions.
It was my husband, not me, who wanted space and time. I agreed to it because I saw no other alternative. Unfortunately, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Eventually, I decided to play it differently. As the result, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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