"What if I could....." I said to myself

"So you are leaving? Its not that I'm shattered

, life goes on it does not stop for anyone, neither it will stop for you nor for me. I'm just saying I can't bring the past back and there is no point crying for it. But look at you.....are you really leaving forever? Ohh God!!..." I said with the sinking heart. She put her fingers between mine and said "I love you but even I cannot bring that time back. We could have have been together if....this 'if' is the culprit.." she said and a drop of tear rolled onto her cheek. We hugged for the last time and I kept standing to see her getting disappear from my sight. This was probably the last time we met. And the very thought of losing her forever was giving me jitters. For a moment, I found myself frozen. Eventually I broke down. Aarush got the car near me and helped me getting inside and drove off to my place.

It was raining heavily but I kept windows of the car open so that Aarush would not see me crying. Brain started playing CD from very starting. I still remember the day when after the influence of 1 shot of Vodka I collected guts to send her the friends request on Facebook. Though I wanted to do that since long but fear of rejection never let me do that. And couldn't consider myself more lucky when I got the notification within 5 minutes that she have accepted me as a friend. "Facebook friends then Chat friends and then SMSs. Finally dude you can be more than friends.." I said to myself and the feeling took my mood to a new high. I was lucky enough to find her on the chat very next day and I knew now nothing can stop me. Before this I haven't really got a chance to talk to her but as a daily habit I used pass across her seat atleast 10 times a day..Lol.. To my surprise I found her quite open and not that 'I'll not utter a word' type of personality and we got along really well. That day sitting at Costa Cafe I said "I always had a crush on you." "Then we started talkingprobably at the right time." she said with the mischievous smile. "why?" I asked. "I was not single and you would have begun a new search if you could get to know about that...hahaha.." She said laughing. "Yep, very true" I said with a wink. We left the Cafe and started for her place as it was getting dark. I wanted this journey to go on and on but I was not that blessed and reached her home in 25 minutes. I stopped the car and at that moment an unusual warm feeling had surfaced probably in both of us, but I did not want to take any chances with this beautiful relationship that was growing at its own pace. I was taken by a surprise (could't have been more pleasant) when she leaned towards me and hugged me and said "Good night" whispering in my ear. And the whole night I kept thinking about everything we talked about and about the events that took place, just to figure out what's going on between us. All these meetings, non-stop calls, SMSs kept growing between us except one thing and that one thing was the determination to give this relationship the proper shape and name. We sometimes don't say anything presuming that other person knows everything and expressing wouldn't make much of a difference. And sometimes we give other superficial factors so much importance in life that we lose the track of real things and hence losing the real meaning of life. Then one thought that does the rounds and multiplies the pain is the thought of 'What if I could have....' but till that time life would already come to a halt. The car came to a sudden halt, getting me back to consciousness. I got into my room without talking to anyone on the way and ignoring some curious gazes. (DOOR SHUT!!)

"What if I could....." I said to myself

By: Rahul Rawal

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