"My wife doesn't trust me!": Rebuild Relationship Trust After Lying
"My wife doesn't trust me!": Rebuild Relationship Trust After Lying
By Otto Collins
Kent feels like he's always on trial with his wife. She grills him for facts about where he's been and what he's been doing. He knows that she is comparing his answers to his previous words.
And, Kent also knows where his wife's interrogating and accusatory behavior comes from...his habit of lying. It all started out in relatively "harmless" ways. Kent used to lie about things like whether or not he likes her friends or getting chores done, but then his lying grew.
He found himself telling his wife more and more "little" lies and some that were not so little. When she discovered that several months ago he'd been given a raise at work and he didn't tell her about it, his wife was sure he was cheating as well as lying.
Kent is not having an affair and is not even clear about why he lied about the raise, but he did lie and he got caught. Now, there is next to no trust left between he and his wife. Kent does not want to lose her and he wants to know how to make amends and improve his marriage.
You might not lie with the frequency or to the extent that Kent did. The lies that you tell your woman might make sense to you and seem insignificant. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't.
What you might not realize is that-- even if you don't get caught lying-- every time you withhold the truth or you purposely alter what really happened or how you truly feel about something, you put just a little more distance between you and your partner.
This distance adds up and can drive a serious wedge between you and your woman.
Not only can it contribute to your partner doubting your words and feelings for her, it can also literally ruin your love relationship or marriage.
If you have a habit of lying to your woman or even if you've only lied a few times (but this has negatively impacted your relationship), you can make changes that will potentially rebuild trust and restore your relationship.
Here are 3 ways to rebuild trust after lying...
#1: Always speak with integrity.
If, for whatever reason, you've become accustomed to hiding things or withholding important pieces of information from your woman, stop yourself from continuing this damaging habit.
Try to get clear about what motivates you to lie in the first place. If there is a dynamic between you and your woman that affects this (and there often is) address it. For example, don't use your belief that your woman's jealousy/insecurity/imagination/etc. as your excuse to continue lying.
Move beyond blame and, instead, look at the habits that you both have that contribute you to lying. Have the courage to own up to your share in the dynamic and be willing to support your woman as she takes responsibility for her share.
Speak with integrity, no matter how difficult it is.
#2: Always agree only to what you are truly okay with.
Too many men have a tendency to agree to do things or make changes that they aren't actually okay with. They might do this in order to avoid a fight or keep their woman happy and it often comes back to haunt them later.
This is because if you aren't truly okay with what you've agreed to do, you probably aren't going to do it-- or you will do it with resentment or only after a lot of nagging.
If you don't want to take a class, go to that movie, do that project, visit those family members or whatever it is she's asking you to do, DON'T say "Yes!"
Again, it might not be the easiest thing to say "No" in the moment to your partner's request, but in the long-run your honesty will help rebuild trust and a more authentic relationship too.
Just a hint-- You can be honest and say "No" to a request while you make it clear to her that you are open to discussion and possibly meeting her part-way. You can also meet her request with a proposal that will let her know she is heard and you are willing to work with her to find a solution you both will be happy with.
#3: Always follow through.
There's no two ways about it. When you make an agreement, always follow through.
Of course, there are sometimes things that are out of your control that stand in the way of you keeping your promises to your woman. It this happens, call her immediately, let her know what's going on and renegotiate a new agreement.
If you frequently find yourself having to break agreements or promises, take a look at your life and your priorities. You might decide that it's time to shift some things and make your relationship a higher priority.
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