Losing It: Why Extreme Self-Control Is Not Natural
Losing It: Why Extreme Self-Control Is Not Natural
After running late for an important meeting with your boss because your wife forgot to pick up your best suit from the cleaner then taking the kids to school amidst the maddening traffic, it's no wonder your self-control had been under pressure starting early in the day. Despite all these, you made a conscious decision "not" to yell at a pedestrian crossing against the light. By this time, your control mechanism was worn out leaving you somehow unhappy and depressed.
In a 2009 issue of the journal Psychological Science, the researchers wrote that the need for self-control must have come from many spheres of life other than basic needs. Group living calls for a great deal of self-control as it takes a lot of patience to live with people day after day not react negatively to their actions. Those more reflective persons who could keep their anger usually in check are thought to be the better-adjusted individuals.
But that kind of self-control has become so painful in the modern world because there is so much happening to test our restraint. We live in busy, complex communities surrounded by expected behavioral norms, and so every day, and we try to meet everyone's expectations just as they try to meet our expected norms. We are worn down by both our own taxing self-control as well as the exhausting frustrations we apparently have for everyone or everything that does not meet our expectations.
It really can become too much. It makes perfect sense that we sometimes lose it.
The High Cost of Not Rebelling
There are studies that look at the harmful effects of pent-up anger. As published in The Los Angeles Daily News, 10 August 1999, recent scientific studies prove that balancing the body's volatile cocktail of emotions may be just as important as eating a well-balanced diet. Unchecked rage can cause sickness, even death. Most folks simply make themselves sick by keeping hostility bottled up inside.
Dr. George Solomon, professor emeritus of psychiatry and bio-behavioral sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles, explains: "Pent-up emotions trigger a complex series of biochemical reactions that ultimately sap the body's ability to fight off disease."
"The mind and body are inseparable. The brain controls bodily functions, and the mind exists within the brain,'' he said. "People who repress their emotions tend to be more prone to illness. The concept here isn't of expressed anger, but unexpressed anger. If one doesn't let it out, it could have adverse consequences.''
Anger, turned inward, can lead to depression, which many studies show to be a very harmful emotion. Solomon's work at UCLA found people who did not overtly respond to deliberately provoked anger underwent a fight-or-flight response that caused decreased activity in the body's front-line of defensive immune cells. Those who asserted themselves showed no significant change in body chemistry.
A University of Michigan study found men who bottle up their emotions until they spill out in violent outbursts have twice the risk of stroke when compared to men who manage to keep their emotions on a more even keel. Researchers plan a similar study of women, who express anger differently. He is not advocating though that everybody should "fly off the handle" anytime an unpleasant circumstance arises.
On the Down Side, Too Much Anger is Bad For Us
Clearly, too much anger is not good for us either. The goal of learning to manage anger is to minimize the negative consequences of this powerful emotion and maximize the positive ones. Anger management can be carried out by problem solving through thorough communication with the people in your life and not being a slave to your emotions by learning to modulate reactions to them. It is normal to express disappointments when people and things fail you, but it is important to learn how not to get angry very often or for very long.
Habitual anger can lead to problems in family life, relationships, work, and health not to mention legal issues. Poorly managed anger is associated with aggression towards other people, road rage, child and spousal abuse, and other violent activities. People like this are more likely to get ill and are less able to fight off illness or disease. This extreme side of the coin also has been associated with higher levels of perceived pain and problems associated with heart disease. People with constant anger problems tend to cope less well with stress, have lower self-esteem, are more likely to misuse drugs or alcohol, and judge other people unfairly. They tend to blame others for their problems without knowing all the facts or they assume other people have wronged them on purpose. Anger can also have significant effects on our body systems leading to muscle tension, increased heart rate, and other uncomfortable or unhealthy bodily responses.
On Self-Control
Most of us were taught early on that we were responsible for our actions and that we possess the free will to choose between right and wrong. And that as civilized adults; we should have the will power to behave in an ethical and moral manner at all times, which may contradict the notion of a free will. Indeed, it is not even clear how you could know whether a decision was really "yours." One of the invaluable works of science is recognizing when a question cannot be answered empirically. If there is no way to substantiate the existence, or non-existence of free will, it is a matter of belief. Whether or not you are predisposed to believe in free will, you should understand how you reasonably control your own behavior.
The Therapeutic Value of "Letting Off Steam"
Is there then any therapeutic value in letting off steam and giving expression to aggression and hostile impulses? The answer may now be clear. Getting mad is better than getting bitter and harboring hatred. It does lessen the inner tensions that may lead to heart disease not to mention mental anguish that may pose some psychological problems in the future.
If the circumstance arises in which you cannot contain your anger, then vent your feelings but constructively. For example, you could cry, exercise vigorously, clean the house, yell in the middle of an open field whatever. These beat punching someone on the face. Then drop it. This step is the most difficult for many people. Yet, It is important to let go of the anger after we have expressed it and talking it over calmly. We are doing this for ourselves even if the person or situation does not change. Otherwise, resentment will fester and cause additional problems as aforementioned.
Ask yourself if you really want to give another person or a particular situation power over you, your emotions, and your behavior. Empower yourself to be the person you want to be a person who can express emotion effectively or "let it go" in your own interest. Who is in charge anyway?
Aristotle, a Greek philosopher circa 384-322 BC could not have stated it better when he said "The man who gets angry at the right things and with the right people, and in the right way and at the right time, and for the right length of time, is commended."
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